Thinking of leaving for Canada if your candidate is defeated? Jim Gaffigan has some thoughts about that:
“I’m moving to Canada!”
I’ve heard Americans say that. If one of the candidates wins the presidential election, they are moving to Canada?
Well, given the possibility that half of the U.S. population may move to Canada, I’m here to give my soon-to-be-former-Americans a summary of what they can expect of their new home in the Great White North.
[I should clarify: I know very little about Canada, ‘cause I’m American. But anyway, here goes...]
I’ve been lucky enough to visit Canada a handful of times, and I love it. Well, everyone loves Canada! Disliking Canada is strange and is probably some type of indication you have a mental problem.
“I don’t like Canada or puppies. Can’t stand either!”
Canada has Universal Health Care. Canadians love hockey and they eat poutine. If you’re unfamiliar with poutine, it is French fries covered in gravy and cheese curds. Now I eat unhealthy -- in fact, some would argue I’ve built a career on eating unhealthy, but to me poutine is, well, irresponsible. I don’t want to die!
But poutine is delicious. Whenever I’ve eaten poutine I’ve actually heard my heart say, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something to anger you?” My brain will chime in, “It’s fine. It’s fine. There’s going to be some sweating. Well, there’s going to be a lot of sweating. Bowels, you can take a week off.”
Canadians also love leaves. Well, I think they do. Canadians have a leaf on their national flag, which would lead one to believe Canadians love leaves. I don’t know why there is a leaf on the Canadian flag or how that happened.
“Hey, why don’t we put a leaf on the flag, huh?”
“Yeah, a leaf. That’s what makes Canada unique, we have leaves.”
“Other countries have leaves.”
“No, they don’t!”
Of course, it’s a maple leaf on the flag. I’m not sure if that’s about a love of maple leaves or maple syrup. I hope it’s not the syrup, ‘cause that makes even less sense.
“Hey, you know that thing we put on pancakes when we were kids? What if we built our national identity around that?”
Anyway, that’s all I know about Canada. After the election, when some of you move to Canada, can you do me a favor and find out why they have a leaf on the Canadian flag? Thanks.
- Pep talk: Canada’s message to America
More from Jim Gaffigan:
- Jim Gaffigan’s mea culpa over “Fairygate”
- Inflation and the Tooth Fairy
- Jim Gaffigan on being a practicing Catholic
- Summer is no vacation
- Jim Gaffigan on Father’s Day
- Jim Gaffigan: Can we get rid of Valentine’s Day?
- Jim Gaffigan on getting stuffed for Thanksgiving
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