​Jim Gaffigan: Let's pay people to attend school

It pays to go to school

One presidential candidate's signature issue gets an A-Plus from our contributor Jim Gaffigan:

Bernie Sanders is proposing free college tuition for everyone. I support that idea. In fact, I'll go one step further: I think we should pay people to go to school.

Think about it: Nobody wants to go to school. Maybe we want to learn, but we don't want to go to school and hear someone with coffee breath talk about algebra. That's just gross!

I'm baffled that anyone goes to school when they aren't being paid, let alone that people are paying to go to school? That makes as much sense to me as camping, jogging, or keeping up with the Kardashians.

I tell you, every weekday morning after I hug my children and before they head out the door to go to school, I remind them that I never have to go to school again.

It's an amazing feeling!

Me bringing this up to them never seems to get the response I expect. Instead of being happy for me, my children seem resentful.

(Of course, I'm joking. I've never done that. I work at night so I'm typically asleep when my kids go to school, and of course I would never hug them.)

Some of you might be thinking, "Hey, Jim Gaffigan, I like your idea of getting paid to go to school, and you are very good looking, but what about me? I haven't gone to school in a long time. Is there a retroactive payment for past school I've attended?"

There sure is! All you have to do is buy a ticket to one of my upcoming "Fully Dressed" shows, and mail the receipt to President Obama. He'll handle it from there.

Thanks, President Obama!

Have a nice Sunday everyone.


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