Nina In New York: The Toys Are Revolting (Not A Double Entendre)

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Remember toys? Remember how they were fun and sparked imaginative play and held emotional attachment for you? Remember when the magic of seeing an illustrated, three-dimensional story through a View Master slide didn't require placing your baby eyeballs within six centimeters of a glowing phone screen? Yeah, me neither. And it's a good thing, too, because this weekend that beautiful, desolate, sprawling tundra of folding tables and temporary carpeting known as the Javitz Center played host to the 2016 International Toy Fair. I feel far more qualified to comment on this than on pretty much anything else currently going on anywhere in the world.

Here is my expert CV: I am a full-time employee of a nearly-3-year-old girl and am actively engaged in her feeding and care. Our living room contains one sofa, one carpet, and approximately 4,000 toys. We attend countless birthday parties and playdates. So, ah, yeah. I'd say I know some things about toys. And here's what I know: by and large, they're the worst. With the exception of the oldest of old standbys—Legos, dolls, plastic dinosaurs, musical instruments, play kitchen, crayons—toys have only grown more overpriced and annoying. The general rule of thumb is that the louder and more "high-tech" the toy, the more fleeting its interest will be. There are exceptions to this rule, of course. For instance, if a toy is noisy but also has only one volume setting and no off button, it will be your child's favorite until the day you accidentally throw it under the garbage truck as it rolls by your house. Similarly, if you've purchased a very special and beautiful doll because it held meaning for you as a child and you'd like to replicate that for your own offspring, it will be summarily dismissed and possibly lodged under the couch until moving day. But overall, the principles hold.

Among the groundbreaking toys behind hailed the "coolest" the show had to offer: a WiFi-enabled, voice-activated Barbie Dreamhouse which allows you to cue up a rocking disco party for your unsuspecting dolls ($300); a child-friendly 3-D toy printer which will ensure that your home will forever be a minefield of tiny, sharp things upon which to step ($299); a high-tech rubber duckie that does everything from entertain your child to take his temperature to (gasp) accompany him in the tub ($99.99); a completely terrifying Cabbage Patch Doll revamp that includes "LCD eyes," a plethora of sensors to ensure appropriate doll responses to stimuli, and an accompanying app ($100). There's even a reboot of Simon, that old favorite game, which also employs some sort of sensor so that you simply have to hover your hand over the correct color rather than slam your palm into it. All of the frustration, none of the tactile fun.

I simply cannot. Not only as a parent who wants her child to engage in wholesome, un-zombielike play, but as a human adult who must theoretically reside within the same four walls of these devilish, irritating, mind-zapping toys. Please, Mattel, or whoever you are, please. We beseech you. Have mercy on us. We promise to buy your new, slightly pear-shaped Barbie if only you'll stop this ever-intensifying madness. If you don't, I'm going to have to start fashioning playthings out of potatoes and burlap. Trust me, nobody wants it to come to that.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!