Winter officially ends tomorrow -- not soon enough for our Contributor Jim Gaffigan:
Winter is still here. Can you believe it? Like death, taxes and kale, it may never go away.
This week the Northeast was hit with a Nor’easter, which is like Easter but instead of eggs and candy, you get snow and your screaming children kept home from school. It’s harder to deal with a snowstorm in March. Snow and cold are interesting for about a week in December, then winter turns into the dead poinsettia that sits around your house making you depressed.
On Wednesday I was invited to go cross-country skiing. I live in New York City! I can’t even believe cross-country skiing is even a sport. “Hey, you know how in downhill skiing there is that awkward part of getting over to the lift? Well, what if we just did that?”
Cross-country skiing seems like a sport that someone came up with after they bought skis and discovered they lived nowhere near a mountain. “Well, that doesn’t matter. We don’t need a mountain. We can ski ... cross country!”
Most winter sports seem like some last-ditch effort you’d employ to escape the Abominable Snowman.
“Look, the only way we are going to get out of here is if we cross-country ski.”
“That or snowshoe.”
“What are we gonna we eat?”
“Unfortunately we’re going have to ice fish.”
“I don’t know. How are going to get down that mountain?”
“We’re going to have to sled down on a toboggan, or a luge thing.”
“Couldn’t we just get a group of dogs to pull us?”
People that enjoy winter in general seem mentally unstable: “I just enjoy going outside when it’s freezing and doing things nobody would want to do.”
If you were caught doing some of these winter activities you’d be sent to an insane asylum.
“Look you need help. I saw you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet. And yesterday we saw you sweeping a frozen lake. Just get some help!”
Winter is the worst. No wonder we drink so much on St. Patrick’s Day. We deserve it!
More from Jim Gaffigan:
- What’s to love about Canada?
- Jim Gaffigan’s mea culpa over “Fairygate”
- Inflation and the Tooth Fairy
- Jim Gaffigan on being a practicing Catholic
- Summer is no vacation
- Jim Gaffigan on Father’s Day
- Jim Gaffigan: Can we get rid of Valentine’s Day?
- Jim Gaffigan on getting stuffed for Thanksgiving
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