Radio Free Montone: My Misremembered Life Has Been Wild
By John Montone, 1010 WINS
If I may say, my misremembered life, has been a wild ride.
It wasn't so much the 99-yard sprint with time expired that gave my high school football team its first and only state championship, but the 11-tackles I broke on my way to the end zone. Of course what I enjoyed most about that day wasn't the student body carrying me off the field, but the company of six lovely cheerleaders after the game. What a steel-bodied tank of testosterone I was.
My four years at Harvard are a blur of academic honors and a rapid rise through the ranks of several secret societies. And while Oxford beckoned, I chose to serve my country. Vietnam was winding down and that was a blessing for the Viet Cong who met their match in me. How many Cong did I killed? The fog of war still hangs heavy but just count 'em by the dozen. Some other day I'll bring out my Purple Hearts and Medals of Honor.
I made my first million my first week home from the conflict and mastered Wall Street before I was 30. But money bored me, so I joined the Peace Corps and gave hope to tens of thousands of desperate people in the barrios of Latin America. As I walked down the local streets the crowds shouted, "El Presidente!" But I am not a political man so I returned to the states where both the Republican and Democratic parties begged me to run.
Maybe later, I thought. Instead I spent the ensuing years writing best-sellers, playing sax next to Clarence in the E Street Band, beating Tiger by two shots at Augusta and winning an Oscar for my leading role in the Clint Eastwood classic, "Dirty Johnny."
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I haven't mentioned the women, so now I will. Marissa Tomei still fires off texts to me laden with desire. Pam Grier, Naomi, J-Lo. Must I go on? Well, why not. Julia, Mira, Heather and Olivia. They all burn for me.
But I am no longer a young man and thus with the time I have left I shall work long and hard for world peace, which I should be able to achieve in a week or two.
And so as the great Cronkite might have said, "And that's the way it wasn't…"
