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Jim Gaffigan on why he doesn't care about the Triple Crown

Why Jim Gaffigan doesn't get horse racing
Why Jim Gaffigan doesn't get horse racing 03:06

Just six days until the Belmont Stakes, the final gem in horse racing's Triple Crown. Some people are wondering if Justify will make a clean sweep of it. Not our Jim Gaffigan: 

Every spring as a nation we track the three races of the Triple Crown. And every spring I always have the same thought: "Wait, we're still doing this? What, is Woodrow Wilson President?"

Now, I understand people love the Triple Crown. And many of those people are gamblers who like to bet on horse racing. Which is fine, but that's what it is. If we put all the pageantry of the Triple Crown aside, we are talking about gambling, where people sometimes win and sometimes lose their life savings.

The Kentucky Derby is the first race of the Triple Crown. The Run for the Roses! I guess it's like prom for gamblers, where people bet on horse racing while dressed like characters from "Gone with the Wind."

"Do you like my hat? I'm living in my sister's garage, because I have a debilitating gambling addiction. Enjoy your mint julep, y'all!"

The winner of each race in the Triple Crown is covered in the news. The horse's name usually sounds like the idea some rich guy on his eighth wife thought of: "Viagra's Revenge"! "Alimony Be Damned"!

We are shown an image of the winning horse – they could show a picture of any horse, we wouldn't know any better!

I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with this news? It's not like we're going to bump into this horse in a bar.

"Oh my God, did you win the Kentucky Derby?"
"I did! I won the Kentucky Derby, 'cause I'm a horse, and I'm in a bar celebrating my victory!"

Pictured next to the winning horse is the happy owner of the horse. Of course, the owner of the horse did not train the horse, did not ride the horse, and based on body language has never really met the horse. But there the owner stands, usually dressed like the Monopoly man for some reason.

There's always an interview with the jockey. The jockey usually provides valuable insight into the race strategy:

"How did you do it?"
"Well, I whipped the horse, and then it ran."

It's very rare for a horse to win all three races of the Triple Crown, probably because they are horses and they don't care about the Triple Crown. They probably just want someone to stop whipping them!  'Cause they're poor horses that are being whipped!

As you can tell, I'm not a horse person. I don't even like horseback riding. A friend told me she enjoys horseback ride because she loves horses, which to me seems like a strange way of expressing your love for something – making it carry you around on its back.

I mean, I love my children, but I'm not going to make them … oh, maybe horseback riding makes sense.

Kids? Carry Daddy around!

More commentaries from Jim Gaffigan:

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Story produced by Amy Wall.

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