Lindsay Clancy's diary read during murder trial Monday: "I feel like I'm drowning every day"

The Lindsay Clancy trial resumed in Plymouth Superior Court on Monday after a week of emotional testimony in the case of the Duxbury, Massachusetts, mother who admitted to killing her three children. The day started with doctors who treated Lindsay Clancy and her children on the night of the murders taking the stand, and finished with the jury hearing excerpts from her diary.

Prosecutors allege that she made a calculated decision to strangle 5-year-old Cora, 3-year-old Dawson and 8-month-old Callan on Jan. 24, 2023. The defense says she was overmedicated and committed the killings during an episode of extreme postpartum psychosis.

Lindsay Clancy's diary read in court

Prosecutor Shanan Buckingham read aloud from Lindsay Clancy's diary, which police seized with a search warrant. Clancy wrote that she was obsessed with her infant son's sleep schedule.

"Hearing him cry for one-plus hours and not intervening just about killed me. I even said the words 'I want to die' to Pat while he was crying," Clancy wrote.

Clancy also said she was "completely overwhelmed" trying to take care of her three kids.

"I feel like I'm drowning every day," she wrote.

In an entry dated Nov. 18, 2022, Clancy wrote, "It's like I'm so desperate to get a mental break from taking care of everyone that my mind is trying to make something physically wrong with me."

On cross-examination, defense attorney Kevin Reddington also read aloud some diary passages for the jury.

"I now have horrible insomnia and anxiety which is causing depression," Clancy wrote. "I have no appetite, I don't know what's wrong with me. I want help. I want to be well."

Clancy also wrote that she had "crazy brain fog" and worried about not being able to function when she returned to work, Reddington noted.

"I feel completely disconnected with my baby. I feel like I'm going through the motions every day," Clancy wrote.

Clancy also said she felt "horribly guilty" about her marriage with her now ex-husband Patrick. 

"I want to connect with Pat again," she said. "I know he needs it, I need it."

Lindsay Clancy wrote she was "horrified" after murders

Dr. Jhilam Biswas, a forensic psychiatrist at Brigham & Women's Hospital in Boston, described visiting her for 20 to 30 minutes on Jan. 26, 2023. Clancy had just recently arrived at the Boston hospital after being transferred from South Shore Hospital.

Clancy was still intubated, partially paralyzed from jumping out of her second-story bedroom window, and Dr. Biswas gave her paper to answer questions. She asked Clancy how her mood was that day.

"She wrote, 'horrified,'" Dr. Biswas testified. "She seemed very anxious."

Dr. Biswas said one of the first questions Clancy asked was whether she had an attorney. She also wrote down "Is my body broken?" and "Are my legs straight?" and asked Dr. Biswas if she could have visitors, and where her family was.

Psychiatrists evaluated Lindsay Clancy in hospital after murders

The 26th witness called by the prosecution was Brigham & Women's Hospital psychiatrist Dr. Sejal Shah, who first met Clancy on Jan. 29, 2023, five days after the murders. Lindsay Clancy told her she wanted to change her healthcare proxy from her ex-husband Patrick Clancy to her parents.

According to Dr. Shah, Clancy said she was initially delirious and experiencing some visual hallucinations in the hospital. Dr. Shah said that could have been due to anesthesia and a lack of oxygen.

Dr. Shah spoke to Clancy on Feb. 21, 2023, before she was transferred out of the Brigham to a rehabilitation hospital. Clancy reported feeling "down" about her current situation.

"She said her thoughts about what she had done were not constant throughout the day, correct?" prosecutor Jennifer Sprague asked.

"Correct," Dr. Shah replied.

"So she wasn't thinking about killing her children throughout the day, every day, correct?" Sprague asked.

"Correct," Dr. Shah said.

In cross-examination, Dr. Shah agreed with Reddington that Clancy was an honest patient.

"This is not someone who was trying to exaggerate her conditions for some legal reason, correct?" Reddington said.

"No," Dr. Shah agreed.

Boston nurse testifies that Lindsay Clancy couldn't be left alone

Rachelle Amede, a trauma nurse at Brigham & Women's Hospital, was working the night shift when Clancy was brought to the Boston hospital. Clancy went into cardiac arrest shortly after arriving in Boston and required multiple blood transfusions, medical records show.

She said there were two police officers outside Clancy's room and she couldn't be left alone, as is protocol for patients who are a suicide risk.

On Jan. 28, Clancy, who was intubated and couldn't speak, used a white board to write that she was confused about why she couldn't feel her lower extremities, Amede said. She also said that on Feb. 2, Clancy requested to speak to her lawyer.

Under cross-examination, Amede said she was aware that Clancy was being treated as a patient with a history of postpartum depression. 

"And you knew that there had been discussion about postpartum psychosis, isn't that right?" Reddington asked.

"Yes," Amede answered.

ER doctor who treated Lindsay Clancy says cuts were "superficial"

The jury on Monday heard for the first time from a doctor who treated Lindsay Clancy on the night of the murders. South Shore Hospital emergency medicine Dr. Kelly McDonough said she was told she'd be receiving "a patient who had fallen out the window from a height."

Legal experts say prosecutors are trying to show that Clancy's suicide attempt was faked. Dr. McDonough said the cuts on Clancy's body were not actively bleeding and did not require immediate attention.

"She had some superficial lacerations of her wrists and neck," Dr. McDonough said.

She said the focus of the treatment was dealing with Clancy's injuries from the fall. Clancy was breathing on her own but had to be intubated, and could not move her legs. 

During cross-examination, Reddington asked what Clancy's body temperature was that night, but Dr. McDonough said she didn't remember. Reddington repeatedly questioned McDonough about Clancy's spinal injuries without getting answers, and asked if she reviewed her notes and records before coming to trial.

"I'm sure you're very busy, but this is a murder trial, doctor," Reddington said.

Dr. McDonough replied that she didn't have a "photographic memory."

Reddington also asked if Clancy had "deep" lacerations on her wrists.

"I wouldn't characterize them as deep," Dr. McDonough said.

Doctors who treated Lindsay Clancy's children testify

The first prosecution witness called Monday was Dr. Michael Snyder, a physician at Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital in Plymouth. He said he was working on the night of the murders and found out "multiple pediatric traumas" were coming into the emergency department.

First responders were giving CPR to Cora and trying to restart her heart as she arrived at the hospital.

"She was not breathing on her own," Dr. Snyder said. "There was no heartbeat."

Prosecutors then called two Boston Children's Hospital doctors who treated baby Callan after he arrived by medical helicopter. Dr. Andrew Capraro said the infant's brain was not getting enough oxygen or blood.

"Can that be caused by strangulation?" the prosecutor asked.

"Most certainly," Dr. Capraro replied.

Dr. David Casavant said a CT scan showed an enormous amount of swelling in Callan's brain.

"When you see swelling that early, that means there was a significant lack of oxygen and damage to the brain itself," he said.

Doctors ended life support for Callan on Jan. 27, 2023.

What's next in the Lindsay Clancy trial?

WBZ-TV legal analyst Jennifer Roman said she expects prosecutors this week to focus on convincing the jury that Clancy is criminally responsible for the murders.

"This entire case largely turns on expert testimony, and I think the prosecution has been sort of going very quickly through their first responders, even through Patrick Clancy's testimony, he went very fast," Roman said. "So I think now we're getting closer to the heart of this case and we're going to start to hear this week some expert testimony from the prosecution about her state of mind."

What's happened in the Lindsay Clancy trial so far?

Jurors on Friday visited the Clancys' former home, walking through the basement where investigators say she killed the children. They also saw the upstairs bedroom in which Clancy is said to have cut herself on the neck and wrists before jumping out the second-story window.

Earlier in the week, her ex-husband Patrick Clancy took the stand for two days to talk about her struggles with mental illness and how he discovered his children's bodies on the night of the murders. Lindsay Clancy sobbed as his 911 call was played in court and Patrick could be heard saying, "I need help in the basement right now ... she killed the kids!"

Jurors also heard from first responders who were called to the house that night, as well as doctors who tried to save the children.

If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or a suicidal crisis, you can reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. You can also chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline here.

For more information about mental health care resources and support, The National Alliance on Mental Illness HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–10 p.m. ET, at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or email info@nami.org.