Jim Gaffigan on that unavoidable certainty of life: Traffic

Jim Gaffigan on traffic

I love traffic!  I don't know what everyone is complaining about. Traffic was one of the best bands of the 1970s!

[Obviously, I'm too young to have ever heard of Traffic ... or the 1970s.]

The impact of traffic – of real traffic -- is profound. It's why I live in New York City. That may sound illogical, but hear me out.

I have five young children and two constantly barking dogs. So, why don't I live on a farm, in the suburbs with a spacious backyard, or on some commune with other people with too many kids?

It's simple: Traffic.

Comedian Jim Gaffigan will do anything to avoid traffic, especially commuting (which is merely a kinder synonym for traffic). CBS News

As an actor, writer and comedian I work in the morning, in the afternoon and at night all around New York City. Sure, New York City may have culture, convenience and an energy that can propel a lazy, creative person like me, but one thing living in New York City doesn't have is a commute to the suburbs.

A commute is a gentle renaming of traffic.  Like "global warming" makes environmental self-destruction seem more appealing.

I don't like driving. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy sitting down. I'm actually a big fan of sitting down. I also enjoy being transported places. I sit in cabs and Ubers, baffled and amazed at my driver's ability to deal with traffic. "Are you a Zen master? Is this some penance you must endure because in a past life you murdered an entire village?"

Doing stand-up around the country means I travel almost constantly. But you know what the worst part of my traveling is? The trip to the airport, and (you guessed it) the traffic. 

Traffic is unavoidable. It's like death and taxes. Sadly, even in death you can't avoid traffic. After you are dead and being delivered to your final earthly resting place, you must endure one last dose of traffic.


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Story produced by Sara Kugel.