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Jim Gaffigan: Decaf coffee is un-American

Jim Gaffigan: Decaf coffee is un-American
Jim Gaffigan: Decaf coffee is un-American 02:57

America. I love it! But we live in such a divided country – red states, blue states, liberal, conservative. Each side thinks the other is wrong.

I believe it is our civic responsibility to focus on the real problem people – those fellow citizens who are frankly destroying the true fabric of this great nation. I think everyone knows who I'm talking about: the decaf drinkers. 

We've put off dealing with these coffee frauds for too long, people! Now, I understand there are decaf drinkers living amongst us. Maybe a "decafer" is watching with you right now and drinking their dirt liquid. My objective is not to make them feel bad, so please, do me a favor: Turn down their hearing aid. I'll wait…


These decaf weirdos have lost sight of the true purpose of coffee. Coffee should have caffeine in it. Everyone knows that! It's in the Bible, for God's sake!

No, just don't. CBS News

Heck, even the way "coffee" is spelled, it looks like the person who wrote it had too much cofe.

Coffee is not just some brown beverage we foolishly stand in line and pay too much for. Coffee fuels the engine of America, and magically makes other humans palatable. If there was no real coffee, America as a country would literally stop, and so would many of our digestive systems.

I resent how decaf is presented as some "logical" alternative to coffee. A server might ask, "Would you like regular or decaf?" "Do I look pregnant?" (Don't answer that!)

In hotel rooms there's always one packet of regular coffee and two packets of decaf. As if every hotel guest has just kidnapped two grandmas?

There are so many reasons to confront these coffee traitors. My biggest issue is the inconvenience decaf causes. As someone who briefly worked in the service industry, I know when someone selfishly orders decaf in a restaurant, a whole other pot of fake coffee has to be made – or a server has to lie and say regular coffee is decaf. That's what I would do!  

It's unfair to everyone involved.

Decaf is un-American. Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know. I had a lot of coffee this morning.

I could go for another cup …

Jim Gaffigan's Amazon Prime special, "Quality Time," debuts August 16      

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Story produced by Amy Wall and Charis Satchell.

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