People are putting so many toppings on cheeseburgers, they're becoming harder and harder to hold. Gaffigan asks, "If you can't confidently hold a cheeseburger while you eat it, is it cheeseburger?"
I need to talk to you about a worrisome issue very close to my heart that I feel is being unaddressed in our society today. Possibly intentionally ignored by the media. The wholesale destruction of the cheeseburger. Now before you think I'm overacting, hear me out. I believe the cheeseburger, one of America's greatest inventions is in grave danger. No, it's not the Russians this time. At least I don't think it is. It's us. Well, not us, it's the weirdos. They are ruining the beauty and grace of one of God's grandest gifts to mankind.
To put it bluntly we need to leave the sacred cheeseburger alone. A patty of ground beef with cheese on a bun. The Holy Trinity of food. It's taste perfection. But what truly makes the cheeseburger so brilliant, is the portability. You can eat a cheeseburger and do things like drive, walk your dog, take a bath or even grill another cheeseburger. The cheeseburger is an example of American ingenuity at its core. You can't mess that up, right? Well, we are, folks. People are putting things on a cheeseburger that are, not to sound too dramatic, against God's laws.
Look ketchup, pickles, mustard, raw onions, bacon. Knock yourself out. Hey, you can put any of these things on your cheeseburger. This is America after all. I understand some people top their cheeseburger with sliced avocado. I get it. Everyone knows the avocado is the cheese of vegetables. I also understand that a fried egg on a cheeseburger is glorious. But adding a slice of slippery avocado or a runny fried egg to a cheeseburger creates a problem. A mess. Mark my words. These delicious gateway toppings only serve as the corruption and possibly the extinction of the portable edible masterpiece called the cheeseburger. Can one even eat an avocado cheeseburger with a fried egg on top? Obviously, you can. But not as God intended or without showering afterward.
Now it's not uncommon to see sinful photos of gorgeous burgers topped with scandalous toppings. Pulled pork. Mac n cheese. Even peanut butter. Sure all those toppings sound simultaneously delicious and disgusting but more importantly those toppings make the cheeseburger impossible to eat normally. If you can't confidently hold a cheeseburger while you eat it, is it cheeseburger? Of course not. Is eating a cheeseburger with a knife and fork an option? Maybe in Europe. Not here. Not under my watch. If you consider yourself a proud American, I want you to do me a favor. Next time you're eating a cheeseburger ask yourself this simple logical question. Could I eat this cheeseburger while I take a bath? If the answer is no, then it's not a cheeseburger... comrade!