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Jeez, Ridiculously Tan Mom. Look what you've gone and done.
Oh, sure. She's milking your 15 minutes. She's at a solid 20 minutes - and counting. Ignoring the age-old advice that it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, well, she did the other thing.
And thank goodness! Patricia Krentcil's j'accuse against the "jealous" fatties plotting against her skyrocketed her from oddball local news story into that stratospheric grey area where it's okay to be globally mocked due to her public display of unrepentant crazy. "Tanorexia" is the joke and Internet slideshow theme du jour.
PHOTOS: The Best Of The Worst Fake Tans
She's inspired a doll, paparazzi pics of her prancing around in ludicrously tiny and unflattering outfits have made it as far as the UK's Daily Mail online, and Kristin Wiig toasted a piece of bread between her thighs in a parody portrayal of Krentcil on Saturday Night Live last weekend.
Nice work, lady.
Only, things have spun out of control. She's lost her way in the mire of her newfound fame, and the thing she cares about most is under attack. Oh, yeah, her kids. Okay, the thing she cares about second-most is under attack. Now, thanks to the massive swarm of attention which Krentcil has wrought upon herself and her orange brethren, the American Cancer Society and other New Jersey advocacy groups are calling for a statewide ban on indoor tanning for anyone under the age of 18.
Do you see what's happened here, Ridiculously Tan Mom? Innocent young tanners are being punished for your lack of self-control. How will they achieve the correct shade of orange by their twenties if they don't have their teens to lay a sufficient base? And then how will they have the opportunity to audition for MTV reality shows like Real World 83: North Korea, or Snooki Runs for Comptroller, or Long Island Sound Shore: Watch Out for the Jellyfish?
And without that opportunity to slip into the fast current of the reality television casting circuit, how will those poor kids every make a living? Aside from, like, going to boring college or getting a stupid, boring job, of course. Think of the children, Ms. Krentcil!
Sure, the American Cancer Society is only thinking about protecting teenagers from a significantly increased risk of skin cancer later in life. Cancer, cancer, cancer. What is it with those people? We get it, sheesh. What they're ignoring is the livelihood which being orange affords so many people who have no particular skills upon which to otherwise rely. Ah, the humanity.
Ms. Krentcil, if you were smart, you'd stop all of this detrimental self-promotion and start doing something useful. Contribute to society, like your sister-in-headlines, Cathy Scalia, the hot dog stripper. She sells hot dogs and lap dances to hungry, honest, hard-working people, and nothing can stop her from giving back to her community. Not a prostitution bust, not a few nights spent in jail, nothing. Then again, she's looking a little pale.
I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I'm always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.
Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.
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