Read My Lips: No More Lipstick Cracks

Squiggly the pig shows off the lipstick kisses imprinted on his head after five Ramirez Elementary teachers kissed him on Friday, Feb. 11, 2005, in Lubbock, Texas. Students voted by donating .10 cents to help raise $1,012.62 for the local company Breedlove Hydration. A Breedlove Hydration representative told the students this much money would create approximately 25,000 individual soup meals for tsunami victims. (AP Photo/Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, Robin O'Shaughnessy)
AP/OShaughnessy, Avalanche-Journal
Weekly commentary by CBS Evening News chief Washington correspondent and Face the Nation host Bob Schieffer.
If you were watching the campaign this week, you might have thought it had come down to a debate over pigs that wear lipstick.

I never saw a pig wearing lipstick, nor do I know anyone who tried to put lipstick on a pig - or give one a manicure, for that matter.

But if this campaign is going to be about animals in the news, here are some helpful references that I offer to whichever side wants them.

If a candidate looks frazzled, describe him as "looking like a horse that was rode hard and put away wet." I got that from a guy I used to work with here.

If it comes down to one of those "what if" situations, try the old bullfrog parable: "If bull frogs had side pockets they'd carry six shooters and wouldn't be afraid of snakes."

Or this one: "If the dog hadn't stopped to use the phone he would have caught the rabbit."

If a candidate gets stage fright during the coming debates, his opponent could charge him with being "as nervous as a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs."

Being from Alaska, Governor Palin probably knows this one: "Unless you're the lead dog pulling the sled, the scenery is the same wherever you go." I have no idea how to use that but it does present an interesting word picture.

I hope the candidates find these suggestions handy. On the other hand, they may find my suggestions "as useful as socks on a rooster." But no matter.

I just think we need to get past the debate on lipstick. It's just so, well, cosmetic.