If you were watching the campaign this week, you might have thought it had come down to a debate over pigs that wear lipstick.
I never saw a pig wearing lipstick, nor do I know anyone who tried to put lipstick on a pig - or give one a manicure, for that matter.
But if this campaign is going to be about animals in the news, here are some helpful references that I offer to whichever side wants them.
If a candidate looks frazzled, describe him as "looking like a horse that was rode hard and put away wet." I got that from a guy I used to work with here.
If it comes down to one of those "what if" situations, try the old bullfrog parable: "If bull frogs had side pockets they'd carry six shooters and wouldn't be afraid of snakes."
Or this one: "If the dog hadn't stopped to use the phone he would have caught the rabbit."
If a candidate gets stage fright during the coming debates, his opponent could charge him with being "as nervous as a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs."
Being from Alaska, Governor Palin probably knows this one: "Unless you're the lead dog pulling the sled, the scenery is the same wherever you go." I have no idea how to use that but it does present an interesting word picture.
I hope the candidates find these suggestions handy. On the other hand, they may find my suggestions "as useful as socks on a rooster." But no matter.
I just think we need to get past the debate on lipstick. It's just so, well, cosmetic.