Mike Riera's 'Uncommon Sense'

From the first date to the first driver's license, the teen-age years can be exciting and exasperating for kids and parents alike.

The newly revised edition of the book, "Uncommon Sense For Parents With Teenagers," picks up where most other parenting handbooks leave off: grades 9 through 12.

Family counselor and educator Mike Riera is the author. click here to read an excerpt.

The reason it was revised, Riera tells The Early Show co-anchor Julie Chen is because a lot of things have changed in the last 10 years.

"The Internet wasn't even an issue," he says. "There was no such thing as e-mail. No one was concerned about that. Now that is a big concern. Things like childhood obesity weren't being talked about, as well as, things like learning differences."

Once kids hit the teenage years, Riera recommend that parents change their role from that of manager to consultant.

He explains, "If you have children, you know the first 10, 11 years, you pretty much organize their life. You run their life. Kids love us when we do this. This is when they hug us; say thank you; we make decisions for them. We all feel like we're terrific parents. It's great! Your ego gets fed left and right.

"Then teenage years come along and they fire us as manager of their life. Parents feel like you have to fight to get that control back or abandon their kids. What I advocate -- they need to fire us because this is how they grow up and have independence. Our job is to grieve losing the managerial role and all that ego stroking and move to the side and become the consultant."

Riera stresses that kids don't know what they want, but they do know that they don't want the old role. So instead of trying to over-manage, he says parents should recognize that they don't have control, but they do have influence. So he says parents have to think like a consultant on such issues as academics, friends, rules at home. But they have to stand strong when health and safety issues come up.

He says, "It's not about being friends with our kids, you are still being a parent, but really picking big health and safety issues. On all the others, be more flexible and think like a consultant, which means you really have to understand a bit more of adolescent development."

The title of the book, "Uncommon Sense" really sums up Riera's approach to dealing with teens because some of the advice is counterintuitive.

He says, "Most parents have grown up with younger kids. You meet them after school and ask them about their day; they talk to you. But with a teenager, you won't have the conversation. Be there to meet and greet them, suggest they go to their room, send their little brother down for a while. They need to decompress. That's not the time to have a conversation."

Riera notes as a consultant you only go to your client when he's ready, and a teenager isn't ready when he or she comes home.

Since teens have so many pressures and hormonal changes, Riera says it is best to give your teen plenty of room to stew.

"Let them brood a little," he says, "Let them go in their room, and have their bad moods. This is how they become interesting people. They wrestle through different struggles; they're all trying out all sorts of roles now. Let them wrestle with it. After an hour outside shooting baskets or in their room, then they'll be ready to talk. Don't feel like everything has to be always going wonderful for them."
Teens also want freedom, so Riera suggests one way is to negotiate limits.

He explains, "As we have influence with them, they need to feel they have influence with us. If they trust us to have influence, then they can trust us with the other things going on in their lives."

To parents who wonder why their teenagers don't seem to listen to the advice we give them, Riera says, "When they ask for advice, they're really asking for support making their own decisions. So my rule of thumb is don't give advice until they ask three or four times. Just listen."

Parents are also concerned about the amount of stress their teens are under -- especially when it comes to the new SATs and getting into college. A way to help them control that stress is to acknowledge it, Riera says. "Don't try to take it away or talk them out of it. Instead, listen to them and help them figure out how to address it."

And as for how to monitor what your teen is doing on the computer, Riera says, "That's the kind of thing you want agreements ahead of time. You'll check the history page where the Web browser is. You go into their e-mail once in a while. All agreements have to be up front. Don't sneak and spy about this so it's helping them get used to the Internet and later on you can pull the training wheels off."

Riera is also the parenting contributor for The Saturday Early Show. Click here to get more parenting advice.