The Early Show

'Uncommon Sense'

By Tatiana Morales

April 18, 2005 / 7:24 AM EDT / CBS

Uncommon Sense For Parents With Teenagers

Preface

This text grew out of my nineteen years of experience working with more than twenty thousand teenagers and parents in a variety of settings, from middle schools to colleges, from residential treatment programs to college preparatory schools.

For me, adolescence is a fascinating stage of life. I feel most optimistic when around teenagers. If this sounds strange, understand that I typically see their best aspects, the growing-up and reaching-out aspects that are too infrequently seen at home. Adolescence is not a phase of life to be feared; rather, it is one of fascination, curiosity, and unexpected twists, and, as such, it is quite different from the previous stages of childhood.

What parents need is a translation of this period that makes sense and is useful. The isolation that parents of teenagers often feel is quite profound. You'll find lots of books on infancy and childhood, but few on adolescence. It is as if we hold our collective breaths from the end of childhood to early adulthood, and then breathe an enormous sigh of relief once adolescence has passed. I hope to replace the isolation, silence, and fear that accompany parenting during this period with optimism and hope. This book deals exclusively with the high school adolescent, grades nine through twelve, and conveys the range of viewpoints, struggles, and conclusions of the teenagers and parents who have come my way. While I have never heard the same conversation twice, all have carried an implicit desire for understanding that often forms the foundation of a solution.

This is not a how-to book, because all teenagers are not the same. While it is true that they all, more or less, traverse the same terrain, it is equally true that they do so with different styles, idiosyncrasies, and personalities. Just ask any parent who has more than one child. As you come to understand the context of the adolescent world, so will you recognize and admire the uniqueness of your child. Stereotypes of teenagers are misleading and can be blinding.
Mom: (to her son walking in the door after baseball practice) "So, how was school today? Anything interesting happen?"

Son: (as he noses through the refrigerator) "Nah, just a typical day. Is there any more orange juice?"

Mom: "Uh, no. We finished it this morning. So, nothing exciting in school today . . . oh, didn't you have that history test today? How do you think you did?"

Son: "Yeah, it was easy. Any soda in the garage?"

Mom: (getting discouraged) "No. Your father didn't do the shopping for this week yet . . . how about practice today? Was it a good practice?"

Son: (as he heads toward his room with a bowl of cereal) "The usual."

Mom: (a bit exasperated) "John, how come you don't talk to me anymore, let alone tell me what happens at school?"

Son: (mildly surprised, but sort of smug) "Jeez, what is this Twenty Questions or something? I'm going to my room; call me when dinner is ready."
(The son then proceeds to his room, where he gets comfortable on his bed, eating his cereal and listening to music—which, to his mother's ears, is rather loud and somewhat dissonant, and of course prompts her to request that he turn it down.)

Mom: (remembering to knock on the door) "John. John, do you hear me?"

Son: (waiting just a bit longer than necessary) "What is it? What do you want now?"

Mom: (opening the door and sticking her head into her son's room) "John, please turn the music down. I'm trying to get some work done out here, and I can't concentrate with that music so loud."

Son: (with an exaggerated exhalation) "OK, OK! I'll turn it down." (Then, while taking his time and exaggerating his effort, he mumbles just barely loud enough for his mom to hear) "Wouldn't want to do anything to help me relax now, would we?"

Mom: "Did you say something?"

Son: (barely turning the music down) "Nothing. There, it's turned down. Happy now?"
(Mom walks away more perplexed and frustrated than before.)

(Five minutes later the music has miraculously gotten louder, or maybe it is just beginning to have a cumulative effect on Mom.)

Mom: (knocking on the door again, only slightly harder this time) "John. John, turn the music down!" (Then after a moment of no response she opens the door.) "John, please turn the music down."

Son: (in a very irritated tone) "Jeez, don't you believe in knocking! I mean, don't I get any privacy? I don't just walk in on you and Dad, do I? How about giving me a little respect once in a while?"

Mom: (at the end of her rope and quite exasperated) "Just turn the music down!"
(At this point World War III is imminent. When Mom does walk back down the hall she is shaking her head and wondering what has happened to her son. She also wonders what she did to deserve this and what she did to bring this about. Where, she asks herself, did she go wrong as a parent?)
When I tell this story to a group of teenagers, they immediately start laughing and nodding their heads, because they know this happens in their family and in most of their friends' homes. However, when I tell the same story to parents, they first look nervously at the floor and only begin to smile themselves after a few moments, before looking around to see others smile. We then begin to examine the story to understand the underlying rationale at work here along with alternative parent responses that avoid World War III and the bad parenting/bad kid conclusions. You see, there is a kind of logic at work here, but teenagers can't articulate it in any consistent manner because they don't understand it themselves. In fact, once they understand it, they are by definition no longer adolescents. Thus, parents have to uncover and translate this logic and learn to respond to their teenager on their own.

Parents and teenagers possess dissimilar worldviews, which inform their behaviors, attitudes, and interpretations of events in very different ways. But teenagers don't want an adversarial relationship any more than you. In fact, when I discussed this book with several teenagers, they said, in effect, "If this book accomplishes nothing else other than helping parents to realize that we are not the enemy, it will have been worth the effort."

Ultimately, you are responsible for bringing up your child, and with this responsibility resting squarely on your shoulders, it makes sense to use a variety of resources: discussions with other parents, various articles and books (in addition to this one), reflection on your own adolescence, and professional consultations when appropriate. It is this responsibility that also makes you a critical and discerning consumer. Take the ideas that work immediately for you, modify others, and set the rest aside. But don't set anything aside until you've challenged yourself to understand why you are setting it aside; otherwise you'll be shortchanging your developing understanding of your adolescent.

Parenting an adolescent is not an easy job. However, only in the last few years have parents begun to voice their desire for more practical information about their teenagers. In this regard, I have been surprised by parents' intense yearning for education and ideas to help them understand a broad range of teenage behaviors. I've also noticed that the more general questions asked in a large group setting are often followed up with more intimate questions in the privacy of my office. This book is designed to address both sorts of questions. Sprinkled throughout the text are numerous individual stories, anecdotes, conversations, letters, and quotations from teenagers that illuminate the book's ideas.1 These stories also tell the reader about what is happening in other parent-adolescent relationships.

This book is question-driven. After the first three chapters, which are overviews of the parent-adolescent relationship, the adolescent world, and high school, the book is a series of responses (not answers) to questions commonly asked by parents and other adults who work closely with adolescents. The table of contents reflects the general topics covered; the table of parent questions helps find specific questions addressed in the text. Remember, questions that you feel are not relevant to your situation may indeed hold the seeds to solutions for a host of other problems, which is why reading the entire text is important. You'll notice the questions are responded to in digressive and progressive ways that work together to develop the principles of a positive approach to the parent-adolescent relationship. While this book is not meant as a recipe book of solutions, reading others' successful resolutions will inspire and give you the confidence to design solutions appropriate to your life, your values, and your family. This does not happen overnight, but gradually over time.

Finally, this book first came out in 1995, and what you hold in your hands is the second edition, which has been substantially expanded and updated. At the same time, I have had many questions sent to me about teenagers in response to the first edition of this book. In this regard, this book is really part one on teenagers; part two is my most recent book, Staying Connected to Your Teenager, which picks up on the ideas introduced here and builds on them with the theme of keeping the parent-teenager relationship strong throughout adolescence.

Note
1. The quotes from adolescents in this book are not direct quotations; instead they are samples of the kind of things I have heard consistently during the past nineteen years. Also, all potentially revealing details were changed in the interests of confidentiality.