Back when I was a kid, we had three kinds of chocolate: milk, dark and white. And if you're about to tell me that white chocolate isn't really chocolate, because it doesn't contain cocoa solids, you are right, and you're also probably the person I need to talk to right now.
Because chocolate, sweet chocolate, has gotten way too gentrified and stratified. I cannot keep up with the levels of chocolate: there's …
82.5 cacao ...
You need to be a math major to keep up.
It's like one of those, but with chocolate – "Oh, what percentage are you? I discovered I'm 72% cacao!"
Someone recently informed me she eats only 100%, as if she were daring me to go to the Dark Side.
100% is 100% wrong. That's called baking chocolate. That's called punishment!
Those of us who like the occasional 11% Hersheys, we will not be percentage-shamed! We will not play identity politics with the shade of our bar, or be judged by the chocolate company we keep!
And if the cacao arms race isn't enough to make you, well, bitter, let's consider what innocent chocolate has become infused and sprinkled with these days: pink Himalayan salt is the least of it. It's hard to find a bar of chocolate that doesn't contain turmeric or porcini mushrooms – even Pop Rocks!
I mean, I'm not gonna turn it down, but that kind of gilding the chocolate lily's so unnecessary! Like putting makeup and sequins on a perfect little child.
Look, I'll eat all kinds – you know when chocolate is past its prime, how it gets whitish? That's called a "bloom." I will take your bloomin' chocolate!
Remember Sam I Am, who will not eat green eggs and ham? I'm that dude's opposite when it comes to chocolate:
I will eat it, milk, dark, white,
I will eat it day and night,
Under 100%, I'll take a bite.
We don't need bacon, cumin, and all that….
Just give us cacao, sugar, and some fat.
Here's the bittersweet truth: Sometimes we don't need to take it to the next level.
Message delivered with … a kiss!
- (CBS News 7/16/19)
- (CBS News, 5/29/15)
- (CBS News 3/19/14)
- ("Sunday Morning," 12/20/04)
Story produced by Julie Kracov.