"American Idol": Erika Van Pelt's extreme makeover is not enough
Last night's results show offered the first inklings as to whether a physical makeover could bring about a popularity surge. For this had been the first week that Tommy Hilfiger had tried to change each contestant's look.
Pictures: "American Idol" Season 11
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But first we had the group number. The less sung, the better.
Ryan Seacrest managed to dim the lights fairly quickly. There was the additional promise for the remaining contestants that, if they survived, they would move into a wonderful mansion.
"All mansions are cool," teased Seacrest.
The solid and sometimes somber words of Jimmy Iovine were less of a tease. His verdict of the previous night's performances was, as usual, pithy and pungent.
"That was by far her worst night of the competition," said Iovine of Hollie Cavanagh. Of Skylar Laine: "She's going to have to get more creative to win this thing." Oddly, he said of Elise Testone: "I got goosies." They were all safe.
Less safe was the idea of having Lana Del Rey perform. She'd had a troubled debut on "Saturday Night Live." Yet here she was all lips, but no slips. Weird, very slightly wonderful and therefore very slightly not "American Idol."
There was a temporary interlude when everyone - including Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry - sang "Happy Birthday" to Steven Tyler. I think it was his 75th. Or, perhaps, 12th. Then it was back to the stimulating Iovine.
"This was not his best night and I think it's really gonna hurt him," said Iovine of Deandre Brackensick. Iovine was upset with Brackensick's frolicking the previous night, which symbolized his complete lack of understanding of Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young." Frolicking will get you a rollicking.
Joshua Ledet "went to that Darth Vader thing" during his performance, according to the great producer. At least Iovine was happy with Jessica Sanchez.
Sanchez, who continues to wear impossibly high shoes, was safe, as was Ledet. Brackensick was sent to the stools, as one of the bottom three.
It was heartening to see Haley Reinhart return to grace the stage, even if she was trapped in a birdcage. And, yes, reputed beau Casey Abrams was in the audience, with even more straggly facial hair than usual.
But really, we needed to know who would be stooled for disaster. While Iovine worried that Phillip Phillips was in trouble for not listening to Hilfiger's advice not to wear gray, it was Heejun Han and Erika Van Pelt who were the two sent into the jaws of peril.
Iovine agreed with Steven Tyler, who had been angry at Han's cavalier attitude. "I think he disrespected the entire process," whined Iovine. Because, of course, everyone should take this divine process seriously when the voters - 6-year-old girls in pink pajamas - can vote multiple times.
Iovine suggested that his company wouldn't want to spend money on Han's shtick. But what if it really made them money?
Indeed, Han had an excellent response. He works with mentally challenged kids and he explained he is singing for them.
"I'm not trying to be a star," he said, as the producers frowned and poured themselves another very stiff tequila.
In Van Pelt's case, her stooling was especially poignant, as - on Hilfiger's advice - she'd cut off most of her long blonde hair and allowed it to be dyed black.
Even Iovine believed her singing had deserved a place at the top. And, yet, might I remind neophytes, those who vote tend to prefer nice, slightly vulnerable boys to women like Van Pelt, who are troublingly mature.
Van Pelt looked fearful even before she was told that she was in the bottom three. When she was told she was gone, she pursed her lips as if she'd like to smack them - or perhaps someone. Brackensick had already been told he was safe. Han, on hearing the news, was impassive. One gets the feeling he is beginning not to disrespect, but to resent this whole, um, process.
Van Pelt tried to sing for her life. She sang of believing in miracles. While she was singing, the judges looked as if they'd eaten some very suspect salami.
Would the judges use their save? "Unfortunately, um, no. Sorry," declared an indigested Jackson.
The moral of the story, children, is that it doesn't matter if you let Tommy Hilfiger cut your hair, give you new clothes and touch up your makeup. If you don't appeal to the little kids at home, you will be gone from "American Idol."
At least Van Pelt is old enough to drink.
