Keller @ Large: Who Won't Be Vice President

BOSTON (CBS) - It's the question on no one's lips outside of the chattering classes: who will be the vice-presidential nominees?

Usually we wait until the nominations are sewed up before going there. And you could argue talking about it now is exactly what the Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump campaigns ordered.

Not that the veepstakes ever showcases the nominees at their best. It's always a pander-fest, with a Noah's Ark-like parade of species designed to make everyone feel oh-so-wanted.

In fact, that's what touched off this early-season veep-spasm, a remark by Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta that "there is no question that there will be women on that list." Brush off the old "Elizabeth Warren for President" speculation and inject it with "vice!"

There's already a growing pile of second-banana speculation, and I'm reluctant to add to it.

So instead, here are some people who almost surely will NOT be on the ticket come November. Clip 'n' save for mocking purposes afterwards if, in keeping with the theme of this election, the ridiculous does in fact occur.

DEMOCRATS:

Elizabeth Warren

Let's see if we have this right: the Senate's most passionate critic of corporate power will give up her high-profile platform for the muzzle of the vice-presidency, under the leash of a pol she has openly criticized for being too corporate?

Instead of a leisurely summer spent pleasing the party and her own base by bashing the GOP nominee without risking her own credibility, knowing that either election outcome would enhance her platform? Got it.

Deval Patrick

Back in the middle of his term, the first time he was mentioned as a possible Supreme Court nominee, I called a top aide and fervent supporter of the governor to ask if this seemed likely.

The aide laughed, noted Patrick's explicit liberal advocacy on a series of hot-button political issues, and said: "He'd never make it past the hearings." This does seem like a year in which things that once made one un-electable no longer matter. But Patrick wouldn't likely mollify the skeptical center or the Berned-out left.

Marty Walsh

Check the boxes – labor, ethnic, Catholic (but pro-choice last time we checked), working-class roots, popular mayor of a successful city, recovering alcoholic leading the charge against opioid abuse, the Kennedy legacy - ok, that last one's a stretch.

But again, Massachusetts is a Democratic lock, and Walsh already proved he couldn't help Clinton in New Hampshire. Plus, Marty isn't stupid. He's mayor of Boston. Why would he want a demotion?

Charlie Baker 

Think about it – the ultimate pivot to the center, a grand gesture to those despairing of knee-jerk partisanship: running with a Republican! The convention might not like it? They'll keep their traps shut and do what Clinton wants. And choosing Baker elevates a Republican woman to the governorship! More bipartisanship and gender advocacy!

Plus, it just isn't a presidential election without at least one Massachusetts pol on the ballot. Yes, I'm kidding. Like I said, this is a list of candidates who won't be.

REPUBLICANS:

Sarah Palin

She still has a following on the right, but if Trump needs to pander there to help himself, it's a sign of panic. Plus, her endorsement was supposed to help him in Iowa, but did not.

Her campaign appearances for Trump have been duds. Two reality TV stars might be a bit much, even for 2016. Then again, Palin's reality TV show was a loser. Trump doesn't like losers.

Chris Christie

That's why he won't be running with the New Jersey governor. New Jersey has to be part of a Trump victory game plan in November, and it'd be nice to get a boost there.

But Christie's approval ratings there are on the skids, and haven't been helped by several humiliating TV appearances as furniture in a Trump onstage tableau. To be blunt, Christie looks like a loser, and Trump doesn't... you know.

Paul LePage

Maine's governor was another early Trump endorser. In the event of illness, with proper makeup, he could step in and do a very credible Trump impersonation. And never forget – as goes Maine, so goes the nation.

But the real benefit of a Trump-LePage ticket might come after the election. You've got a built-in response whenever someone calls for Trump's head: consider the alternative.

Bernie Sanders

It might take some doing to persuade Trump's "brother-from-another-mother in political revolt" to abandon his beloved Democratic Party. But it might be a genius move.

When annoying allies from the far-right and robber-baron worlds show up at the White House looking for favors, tell them the vice-president will take care of them – and you know he will! They won't be back for seconds. Also, the LePage insurance principle holds.

Did I miss any? Add your nominees and their rationale and we may use some on the air.

Email me at keller@wbztv.com or send a message on Twitter @kelleratlarge.