Keller @ Large: The Crime Mystery Of The Century

BOSTON (CBS) - Between the Wells Report and the Patriots rebuttal (termed the Wells Report Context), this week has brought a bumper crop of dense, heavily-lawyered charges and counter-charges.

And even though it's given me a wicked headache, I am also inspired to apply these same lawyerly techniques to a very important rules violation in my own home.

The other day, I left a quarter-pound of sliced turkey on the kitchen counter while I ran to answer the phone, and when I returned, it was gone.

In the interests of a fully-informed audience, I now present both sides of this serious situation:

KELLER REPORT: I didn't eat the turkey. Mrs. Keller didn't eat the turkey. That leaves only one household member with the motive and opportunity to eat the turkey – Buddy, the Wonder Lab. Thus, it is more probable than not that Buddy ate the turkey.

BUDDY THE LAB CONTEXT: The Keller report's logic is faulty, betraying an unfair, preconceived narrative. The kitchen door was unlocked at the time in question. Anyone could have come in and eaten the turkey. No direct evidence linking the theft to the dog has been offered.

KELLER REPORT: If another human had entered the kitchen, the dog would have gone nuts, like she always does.

BUDDY THE LAB CONTEXT: Purely hypothetical analysis. You know I nap hard. Maybe I just slept through it.

KELLER REPORT: So how do you explain the slobber and chew marks on the wax paper the turkey was wrapped in?

BUDDY THE LAB CONTEXT: So you're out a couple of bucks. What are you, some kind of turkey?

And there you have it, the crime mystery of the century.

Getting to the bottom of it will be, as Buddy might say, ruff.

Listen to Jon's commentary:

You can listen to Keller At Large on WBZ News Radio every weekday at 7:55 a.m. You can also watch Jon on WBZ-TV News.