GAYLE:
00:00:31
Pronoia? Yes. So we heard of paranoia, which is the world is out to get me. Pronoia is that the universe is conspiring for me.
NATE:
00:00:37
Ooh. So if you can believe-- I love that. Pronoia. If you can believe that good things are going to happen, you're complaining will be solution-oriented.
GAYLE:
00:00:45
But, Doctor, when is too much too much? Because your idea of too much may be just me just getting started. DR. VARMA: Yes. You may be saying that's enough. DR. VARMA: Totally. So, Gayle, first of all, I want to say that there is a cost of suppressing your emotions. So we don't want to tell people, hey, you're stressing me out, you better be quiet, because we know that that leads to people who suppress their emotions chronically, especially anger. 30% more risk of dying from all causes. 70% risk of dying from cancer or heart disease, autoimmune diseases. The list goes on. But when it comes to venting, look at the person, right? Do they feel like they're stressed out? Are they checking their phone? Are they looking around? Yeah. And the key is that a lot of people who vent in an angry way, where they're hitting things or pushing things, their stress level goes up. So after a venting session, if you don't feel soothed, you don't feel connected to the people around you, you don't feel as if you've walked away with some tangible tips, that is not a healthy coping session. OK, so what about the person receiving all of that? Because I have to be honest, when someone is complaining, especially when it's toxic, I go on autopilot because it can be very draining. And then after a while, I'm just nodding my head. But in reality, I don't know what to do because I've already checked out. DR. VARMA: Yes. So what can we do? DR. VARMA: Yes. Nate, you're bringing up a really good point. When you said I don't know what to do, guess what? The person who's complaining to you also doesn't know what to do.
NATE:
00:02:01
Yeah. They are feeling helpless. A lot of times, these chronic pessimists, ruminators, they don't feel a sense of agency in their life. They don't feel like they have a sense of self-efficacy. That's why they're constantly complaining. Or there might be an underlying depression, to be honest with you. So if you feel helpless, it's because they're projecting their helplessness onto you, right? And as a psychiatrist, they say a lot of times when you feel a certain way, it's because the patient is projecting. And that can happen in relationships. So one thing you want to ask the person is, let me ask you, is there any aspect of this situation that's bothering you that you can actually control? And that question helps them move-- takes your empathy and puts it into empowerment.
NATE:
00:02:40
Gives them agency. Gives them agency. What about the situation can control? Can we come up with a list of three things? But here's the key. You have to hear them first. Yeah. They need to be validated from the emotional component because a lot of times, I have to say, it's stereotypically the good men in our lives-- my husband is one of them-- where he'll say, OK, let's fix this. And I'm like, dude, I need to take a moment. I do that, too. And I can see-- My wife says, I just need you to hold me in this space and listen. I don't need you to fix this. And then we can have a second session, a follow-up, to say let's come up with solutions.
TONY:
00:03:09
That's right. Dr. Sue Varma, you are so good. So good.
NATE:
00:03:12
Thank you so much. We appreciate you.
