More on Bullying

Who Becomes a Bully?

In my story investigating just who becomes a bully, you heard a bit of the song Jeremy by Pearl Jam.  That song is about a bullied boy who is also neglected and ignored at home, who shoots himself in front of his class.  In the video for the song, the smile on the child's face as he prepares take this final, explosive step is one of pure triumph.  He will be heard.  Finally.  This video is not for young children, but it makes a powerful statement.

It is also nearly 20 years old.

How can it be that in nearly 20 years we haven't been able to stop children from tormenting each other; from treating each other as if they were not each special and irreplaceable?  How is it that our children abuse, belittle, beat and torture each other?

My daughter started kindergarten this week.  My sweet, little, open-hearted angel.  Who will hurt her?  Someone will.

But why?

I could only briefly touch on some of the reasons a person becomes a bully in my piece.  There are many, but I think the key to it all is empathy.  Time Magazine touched on empathy in relation to bullying.

The fact is you cannot torture another person easily if you can put yourself in their shoes.  If you can feel their pain, it is far more difficult to inflict it in the first place.

It's really a version of the Golden Rule.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Unfortunately, too many of our infants, toddlers and children are experiencing unimaginable neglect and abuse in their homes and their lives, so they simply are doing unto other what *has* been done to them.

How do we stop this?

Be good to our babies.  If you hear, see, or suspect abuse, report it.  We need to talk to our children with respect, like they are people.  They *are* people, after all, and they will speak to others as they are spoken to, for better or for worse.

There are bullies who are empathetic people.  They may be frightened of being bullied themselves, and "go along" with those who are perceived as having status.  If this is your child, please talk to them, listen to them, support them, and get involved.  These are not true bullies, just scared kids.

Then there is the ultimate bully.  The school shooter.  Who could have less interest in the feelings of others than a person who kills?  But several studies have linked bullying to school shootings.  In particular, I suspect school shooters weren't treated very responsively by their parents as infants and were perhaps targets in their interactions with peers, throughout their short and brutal lives.

Regardless, bullying – at any age - does no one any good.

Later this week you will hear my report on "bullycide".  Bullycide is the suicide of someone who has been a victim of bullying, and bullying is cited as a factor in their decision to end their lives.  The mother of one of these victims notes that the solution to the crisis of school bullying is simple.

Be nice.  Don't be mean.

How hard is it for us to teach our children to be nice and not to be mean, and – more importantly – for us to model that?  We should be nice to our spouses or partners.  We should be nice to our friends and co-workers.  Our children's teachers should be nice to their students and colleagues.  We should not be mean to one another.  There are other, better ways to resolve conflict.

All of us have been a bully, at one time or another.  We should pledge to stop it, right now, today.

More info on bullies from the federal government's Health Resources and Services Administration.

More great info here, including what to do if you suspect your child may be bullying others.

And there is a wealth of info on bullies and bullying here.