Zuckerberg Religion, Mystery Burrito, Disco Coffee Table: 9 Most Hilarious SF Bay Area Craigslist Postings Of 2014

SAN FRANCISCO (KBCW) -- Craigslist has numerous utilitarian functions whether it's used for renting an apartment, selling your grandmother's floral couch or finding a new job. But users who search a bit deeper into this 20-year-old treasure trove of a website, golden nuggets of bizarre humor lie waiting to be uncovered.

In case you missed some of those, Craigslist readers have compiled the best postings for 2014 for each region of the United States. Here are some of the ones that showed up in the San Francisco Bay Area:

1. Convince my wife she is on a reality show about food safety.
Category: crew gigs -- Originally Posted: 2014-06-21 11:45am
My wife is terribly dangerous in the kitchen. She cross-contaminates raw meat with other things constantly, takes dirty knives out of the sink to cut fruit for our children, refuses to wash produce from our urban garden or the grocery store before serving it, and refuses to use any kind of covering on food that is placed in the refrigerator. She has no normal sense of what is safe or appropriate. As such, I would like to enlist someone's help to assemble and lead a team to convince my wife that she is on a reality show about dangerous kitchen behavior (title of show: TBD). You and I will work together to plan a script and you will produce. READ MORE.

2. Seeking collaborators for Mark Zuckerberg based start-up religion
Category: art/media/design -- Originally Posted: 2014-05-22 4:55pm
Hey everyone, so I'm working on creating a new start-up religion which features Mark Zuckerberg as God and looking for collaborators who would be interested in working on such a project. I'm looking for anyone interested in the idea who could contribute such as writers, artists, theologians, filmmakers, web designers, spiritual philosophers, and other such folk who could contribute to developing the religion and its mythology. I will summarize the important ideas of this start-up religion here:  1. I'm just doing this for fun because I want to, I don't have any money to pay anyone right know and don't even know if something like this could be profitable, I enjoy spirituality but find all the religions out there boring and want to create a new religion that's not boring and just like a religion that I would enjoy believing in. If the religion were to become profitable then the people who worked on it will get a share of it like with any start-up although personally I don't care about money so that's not my motivation in doing this. READ MORE.

3. be my spaceman, land on my moons - w4m
Category: casual encounters -- Originally Posted: 2014-06-07 8:32pm
Looking for my Moon Man. I need someone to cross the inky blackness of space and crawl inside my craters. Real explorers only, please. An astronaut needs to hold his breath for 120 seconds -- hint, hint -- and subject themselves to rigourous training, both in theory and in practice. Orbit me. Orbit me for a month, or even just one night. It's been a while, so I'm looking for some groundbreaking missions. I need you to fall into my gravity well. READ MORE.

4. you told me I have great veins - w4m
Category: missed connections -- Originally Posted: 2014-05-14 9:48am
All I could get out was that I liked your tattoo as you hooked me up to an IV drip. I swear I don't always look so pale and color-less in the face. You were a very sweet EMT, and I just wanted to say thank you... and I think you are cute :)

5. That burrito, jesus. But from where? - m4w
Category: missed connections -- Originally Posted: 2014-05-03 11:18am
I woke up with the remains of a burrito next to the sink. It was everything. It had french fries in it, and avocado, and sour cream, and probably sprinkles of unicorn dreams. It was at once crunchy and smooth, and hot and cold, and salty and gooey and chewy. I remember ordering "The Californian" from a menu with 800 other unnecessary alternatives. It was, quite simply, the finest burrito I've ever had the pleasure of leaving next to my sink at 3:00 in the morning. BUT FROM WHERE? Sweet Mary and Joseph I cannot remember where it came from. Please help. READ MORE.

6. Disco Coffee Table
Category: furniture -- Originally Posted: 2014-04-10 10:07pm
I'm 40 and I can't keep up with my disco coffee table anymore. I've aged, the table craves the unbridled power of youth. It keeps asking me to snort mounds of white powder off its mirrored surface, but my hangovers last too long. It wants a twenty something who can go on a Tuesday bender and still work the next day. It wants to reflect a parade of young, naked strangers in impossible positions night after night. My libido has faded and I crave a good night of sleep more than another one night stand. The table has a couple missing chunks of mirror. My decorator insists I'm too well heeled to own such college like furniture and made me buy something from Restoration Hardware. Disco Table needs a new home. A home where the party doesn't stop. READ MORE.

7. i found your stupid drone.
Category: lost & found -- Originally Posted: 2014-03-30 11:04pm
march 29. saturday night. 10pm. your quadcopter must have crashed. i found it squirming around in the middle of Fulton Street. felt like i was picking up a wounded animal with it buzzin' all around, camera lookin' at me with its one eye, not sure if it was dead or alive. it was weird...i didn't want the damn thing flying around the apartment, bumping into me or creeping out my girlfriend [too late!] and her stoney [and slightly paranoid] roommates, so i pulled the battery, cut the power and turned off the wireless.

8. Seeking a Meowgician
Category: creative gigs --  Originally Posted: 2014-03-09 1:49am
It's Ambrosia's tenth birthday on April 20th and we're looking for a meowgician to purrrform. Do you gatos what it takes? This is fur real. Serious inquiries only. READ MORE.