The Right Ways To Say Thanks

Determining the proper thank you for a favor or a gift isn't always easy. Do you send a thank-you note or is an email good enough?

The editors at Real Simple magazine have some tips on how to convey the proper thank you. Lesley Alderman, an editor at Real Simple, visited The Saturday Early Show with a few of those helpful hints.

Alderman says people are confused when it comes to thank you etiquette because, she says, much of society has become so casual. And, with the dominance of email as a means of communication, people believe that an electronic letter is the right way to show appreciation.

But, Alderman explains, the handwritten note has a big impact, even more so than 20 years ago, because today they seem rare. Alderman says they make a big impression on people who receive them.

There are several things to keep in mind when deciding how to thank someone properly. Alderman calls it the "Gratitude Index":

• How much effort or money did the person expend?
  
• Was the favor or gesture a one-time thing or is it ongoing? For example: If your neighbor fed your dog once, your thank you doesn't have to be as elaborate as if they fed your dog every day for a month.
  
• How much would it cost you to pay someone to do this service or favor you asked a friend to do?
  
• How well do you know the person that did you the favor? Thanking a childhood friend is different from thanking your neighbor, your mother, your boyfriend or a colleague.

Alderman says a post-it note is never a good thank-you note for anything. She says those who express thanks using a sticky note should completely re-think their gratitude skills.

In the December/January issue of "Real Simple" magazine, the editors asked etiquette experts about the dos and don'ts of thank you writing. They found out how you respond varies, depending on the favor or gift.

Alderman lists five "favors" or situations where you might be confused as to how to respond:

• Checking in on your pet and/or plants while you're on a trip: The biggest factor you need to consider here is how much would it have cost you to pay someone to take care of your pet or plants. Alderman says if you were gone for just a weekend, a small token from wherever you've been is a good gift. She says if you were gone longer than a weekend, a nice bottle of wine or a gift certificate for dinner out is appropriate.
• An invitation to a formal dinner party: Alderman says you don't want to bring a gift that will take away from your host's or hostess's duties. You want to bring flowers already arranged in a vase instead of just the flowers, for example. Or bring a small low-maintenance gift such as nice candles. Follow up with a telephone call the next day.
• Family friends host you for a night or more at their home and act as your tour guide: The biggest factor here is the length of your visit, according to Alderman. The second would be the elaborateness of the entertainment. At the very least, Alderman says you should bring a small hostess gift and follow-up with a thank-you note. And during your stay, you should offer to take your hosts out to dinner or help out with meals in the home. And don't forget to invite them to your home.
• Someone gives you a good job-hunting lead: The most important thing to consider here is how far did this lead take you in the application process, says Alderman. This will determine how to say thank you appropriately. At the very least, you should send a note no matter what happens. If you get the job, Alderman recommends sending nice chocolates or flowers along with a second thank-you note.
• A party is thrown in your honor: If you think a fine toast to the host would be more meaningful than a gift, this is your decision, says Alderman. At the very least, she says you should write a handwritten note with flowers sent the next day if possible.

There are many situations that can certainly try your etiquette IQ, but Alderman feels that considering the five questions above will give you a good outline so that you can appropriately respond to a wide variety of situations.

Still, you may ask, "When is it okay to send email?"

Alderman says send email only be sent for the most casual situations. For example, if a friend takes you out to a casual lunch, or a friend or colleague buys you a drink after work, or someone gets you a funny gift.

Alderman says the following things should be considered when writing a handwritten note:

• Dispatch your thank-you note within one to three days of the good deed. If you're late, don't give any excuses. Moaning about how busy you've been undermines the gesture.
  
• Make the note personal.

If you're sending a gift:

• Be creative. Ask mutual friends if this person has a hobby or particular favorites.
  
• Don't send alcohol to people who don't drink. Instead send a fancy fruit or food basket.
  
• Don't send flowers unless you're certain someone will be home to accept them.