Groom's guide to weddings: The planning
Marriage is constantly evolving. What hasn't necessarily evolved, however, are many wedding traditions, especially when it comes to what's expected of grooms.
"There's something to be said for tradition," Jeff Wilser, author of "The Maxims of Manhood," says to CBSNews.com. "Mock all you want, but traditions are, to some extent, a token of respect and fidelity. A tux for the groom is like a tree for Christmas, it's just what we do."
Some grooms may be clueless of what's expected, from asking her pop for "permission" to what you should get your beloved for her "bridal gift" -- yes, grooms are expected to give their brides something the day of the wedding.
Wilser is also the founding editor of a one-stop-shop for all things groom called The Plunge, a site that's motto is "a spoonful of sarcasm helps the wedding planning go down." Having never been married himself, he's become a groom's guru, lending his expertise to GQ, Glamour, Esquire and The Knot. He even fields questions from future grooms on his website.
"Most guys have a vague sense that there's 'stuff they're supposed to do,' but they're not exactly sure what all that stuff is, and they're looking for a roadmap. We try and give them a roadmap in their language," he says.
Also, don't miss the Groom's guide to engagement ring shopping and Groom's guide to proposals.
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The Planning:
She said yes! Congratulations -- time to pick a best man, sit back and let your love plan that wedding she's been dreaming about since grade school.
If only it were that simple.
Wilser says it's not in your best interest to stand on the sidelines during wedding planning. Ninety percent of the details you can smile and nod, he estimates, but 10 percent should get your undivided attention or else major rifts can be created down the road.
"These are the variables that drive every other decision," Wilser told CBSNews.com. "The guest list is the biggie. It's controversial -- who gets to come, who's slighted -- and it has a ripple effect on every other cost."
These areas include: the overall budget, including the guest list, venue and date, the music (an underrated variable that's essential for the party's vibe, says Wilser), the honeymoon, the religion of the ceremony, and who or whose family is paying for what.
Traditionally, the groom's side is responsible for the honeymoon, rehearsal dinner, officiant's fee, marriage license and flowers. The bride's side may front the funds for ceremony and reception fees, food, drink, music, decor and wedding favors. Of course, this is far from always the case. For more scenarios, visit The Plunge: "Who pays for what: And the check goes to..."
There is one area of planning where the groom has to take 100 percent of the reins: Getting his boys under control.
The Groomsmen
For some a simple task, but for many grooms, picking the wedding party is the most daunting duty.
"Over 50 percent of the advice questions I get from grooms are about picking groomsmen," says Wilser. "Specifically, 'is it okay if I pick a Best Man who's not my brother?'"
The answer?
If you're not that close to your brother, that doesn't mean he shouldn't be your best man. It's an honorary title, Wilser points out. He's been to plenty of weddings where a best man who held the ring was an estranged brother and the groom leaned on his groomsmen buddies for everything else.
Another bonus of a brother? The easy out if you're trying to decide between your best friend from high school and your closest college chum. "It's better to hurt the feelings of your friends than your family," according to Wilser. "Err on the side of blood, as friends should understand that that's how weddings work."
If you don't have a brother and just can't decide, Wilser urges you to rise above the junior high politics and pick one pal objectively. Have you known one friend longer? Choose him, and tell the other you'd love to have multiple best men, but you could only pick one and seniority won out. He'll understand. If your bride has a brother, an unwritten rule dictates he too should be a groomsman.
If you have a lot of friends, you may try to argue for more groomsmen spots; however, that's a numerical decision your bride should ultimately drive because bridesmaid costs dwarf those of the grooms.
You've now drafted your team to stand with you. Next, they may reward this honor by plying you with endless amounts of alcohol. The bachelor party is a moment to have fun and be safe -- and not jeopardize your marriage before it starts. Wilser sums up the ethics of bachelor party by saying: "If it feels wrong, it's probably wrong."
The Clothing
For wedding style, Wilser says grooms ask themselves: "What would James Bond do?" That starts with a tuxedo, and buy one instead of renting, he implores. Unlike brides who only wear the dress once, a groom's tux will pay for itself after a few events. If you can't get a tux, a perfectly-fitted suit could work in a pinch.
While some outfit coordination with the bride is necessary, it's more important to match the groomsmen. If you have friends all over the country, consider using a tuxedo chain with stores located nationally to ensure you're getting the same items. You can't go wrong with a black-and-white theme, but you can go wrong trying to impersonate Lloyd and Harry from "Dumb and Dumber," Wilser points out.
If you decide to go the bow-tie route -- which he says grooms should think long and hard about before wearing -- make sure you tie it yourself.
"This is critical," according to Wilser. "Nothing screws up a look like the side clip showing through your collar." (Watch CBSNews.com's Felipe Maya show the correct way to tie a bow tie).
And for more information, visit The Plunge's 20 rules for formalwear and tuxes.
Your outfit is almost complete, but you'll also need a wedding band, which can cost you anywhere from under $200 -- if the band is made from gold or another strong metal like tungsten or titanium -- or over a $1,000 for platinum. Your bride will likely have suggestions, but look for something you're comfortable with, since you know, you have to wear it forever. So, Wilser urges you not to cede this decision.
The Wedding:
The big day has finally arrived. By now, everything should be planned and all that's left are pictures, "I do," and a big party. Though, a few important tasks remain on the actual wedding day, and they will probably cost you.
Grooms are responsible for both "groomsmen gifts" for your wedding party and a "bridal gift" to exchange with your betrothed the day of the nuptials. Wilser says a bridal gift may feel like "insult to injury," after all you've spent to date, but, there's a silver lining: A rare opportunity for surprise and romance after months of reading budgets and invoices.
An ideal bridal gift, he says, must follow the "rule of two P's": Permanence and Personal. Examples include jewelry like a bracelet with an inscription, an engraved box full of keepsakes, a personalized frame or photo album, or a family heirloom.
As for groomsmen gifts, Wilser's one suggestion is to skip the obvious flask. Why? Because it's such a go-to, your groomsmen could already have four collecting dust.
"Like parking tickets and alimony payments, flasks have a way of adding up," he jokes on The Plunge.
Mugs, money clips, pens and other items engraved with your groomsmen's initials can be options, but those too are overdone. His favorites? Something useful, like a weekend bag or a nice barbecue kit. Your groomsmen probably are not expecting much to begin with, but if they've shelled out for your bachelor party or wedding weekend, don't be afraid to spend a little extra on something you think they'd like.
More important than a gift exchange? The exchanging of the vows. Some couples decide to write their own, and The Plunge has tips for them, including keeping your word selection simple so you don't stumble. Or, you can just have your officiant or clergy member read some standards for you. Wilser ultimately says there's more downside than upside when a groom tries to write his own.
"If your fiancee insists, okay, you're stuck, but if not, the safer option is to go with the boilerplate," he says.
What grooms definitely have to write, though, is a speech for the reception. Two essential ingredients, according to Wilser: Humor and heart. Don't try to harness your inner stand-up comedian, but use a few funny-- and true -- anecdotes, with self-deprecation always a plus.
Lifting a romantic quote is tempting, but sincerity is always better than an impersonal quote you plucked off the Web, he said. Keep the speech clean (your families are there!), keep it short, and maintain eye contact with your bride. The more simple the speech, the less likely you'll screw up.
"No need to reinvent the wheel," Wilser writes on The Plunge.
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All these responsibilities can seem like a lot to handle. So if there's one piece of wedding advice the Wilser, the groom expert, has, it's take a step back and realize your job is pretty simple.
"The groom's job is easy: Focus on a few key details, be supportive, stay upbeat, and offer to pitch in wherever you can," said Wilser. "Remember that while things can seem bewildering, you are not alone," he added. "Every year, around 2.2 million men get married. They handle it. So you will."
For more wedding tips for grooms, visit The Plunge.com
