Grandparents Raising Grandkids
Most grandparents look forward to spending time with the grandkids, maybe even spoiling them rotten, and then sending them home to mom and dad. But for a growing number of children, home is with grandma and grandpa.
The 2000 U.S.Census found that 4.5 million grandparents now head households in which there are children. That's a 30 percent increase since 1990, and still climbing.
Nearly 2.5 million of those grandparents have primary responsibility for their grandkids. That means there is no daily parental involvement.
Often, grandparents are motivated by love to step in when there's a crisis in the grandchild's family: There may be a whole set of stresses and emotional issues that the grandparents must deal with as they try to bring a child into their home. The ease with which the family adapts depends largely upon the circumstances that brought them together.
Most grandparents raising grandchildren are between ages 54 and 65, according to the AARP. They have all of the same responsibilities that parents do - providing health insurance or daycare, for example - but often with added pressures, such as a fixed income or health problems that come with age.
Here's what the Saturday Early Show's family and adolescence counselor Mike Riera had to say about this growing trend:
What are some reasons behind this trend?
Grandparents raising their grandchildren is often referred to as "grandraising." The reasons: teenage pregnancy; more and more divorce (often temporary care for grandchildren until the biological parent gets on her/his feet again); financial problems that require moving back into home of grandparent; substance abuse or legal problems with one or both parents.
But perhaps the biggest reason is that grands are living longer and healthier than ever before, so they are around and capable of grandraising.
What are the biggest challenges and rewards of raising children the second time around?
The biggest challenge is letting go of some of those longheld fantasies about aging gracefully: playing golf every day, traveling freely around the country, gardening at your whim. The rewards include helping your child get through a tough situation and making a real difference in the life of your grandchild. Also, some grands report feeling younger again!
Obviously, this can be a big adjustment for everyone involved?
This really depends on the context of how the grand is pulled into the parenting role: whether it is a crisis situation and they come to the rescue; whether the biological parents are still in the day-to-day picture or not. It also depends on the age and life situation of the child: Are they infants, teenagers, or somewhere in between?
Is this, in some ways, like a stepfamily relationship? Should you expect the grandkids to 'test' you?
Absolutely! Sure, the kids have known you as a grandparent, but getting to know you as a parent is another game entirely. You go from spoiling and coddling them to being the primary disciplinarian. So you both see other sides of one another. Thus it's more getting to know each other again than true testing.
Ideas about raising children have changed quite a bit in the past couple of decades -- especially when it comes to things like discipline and talking to kids about drugs and sex, etc. Any advice for grandparents who think it's best to stick with the way they did things with their own kids?
Actually, most grandparents make this shift quite naturally. Remember, they have some huge advantages in this regard: They've done this before so they are experienced, and with experience comes improvement. Their personal issues of career, place in life, social status have less of a grip on them, so it's often easier to remain present to the grandchildren they are raising.
From their life experience, they know and pay attention much more to what is important for a successful life, that is: They get less upset at a poor grade than a poor sense of humor; they get less stressed over a forgotten chore than a lack of empathy for others. And they understand failures along the way are givens, and it's what you learn from them that matters most, not avoiding them in the first place. Finally, when they look back at themselves as parents the first time around they get to reflect, assess, and to do an even better job this second time around.
Raising a young child when you're in your 30s or 40s can be exhausting enough, let alone in your mid-50s or 60s. What are some ways that grandparents can take care of themselves while taking care of their grandchildren?
Grands need to take care of themselves as a first priority. Regular exercise, nutritious foods, regular doctor appointments (especially for grandfathers who often neglect regular check-ups until something is wrong).
They also need to reach out to other grandparents who are raising their grandchildren as a source of support, feedback, and practical suggestions on how to deal with day-to-day life. Finally, they need to also connect with the parents of their grandchild's friends at school. They need to become part of that community.
For additional information and resources, Mike Rera recommends the following websites: