FIFA to World: What, We Worry?

FIFA has finally seen the light.

It is so disturbed by the monstrously disturbing calls made during the World Cup on Sunday, that it has decided to do something about it.

Immediately.

It wheeled out stern-faced, tough-minded spokespeople who announced that football's governing body will, indeed, be investing the small amounts needed to introduce goal-line technology by the beginning of the next European season in August.

It also declared that a fifth official will be placed in an upstairs box for all the remaining World Cup games and beyond.

He will be equipped with a very sharp, highly-defined TV and a microphone link to the referee. He will adjudicate on any matters that might materially affect goals or violent play.

"Oh, and by the by," offered FIFA spokesperson, Nicolas Maingot, using some refreshingly British argot, "we won't allow instant replays on the big screen at stadiums, as happened during the Mexico/Argentina game."

Yes, I have, indeed, been sipping Cabernet with some pink fairies atop a blue mountain.

For almost all of the above is far too logical, far too sensible for FIFA.

Instead, the only "clear mistake" actually referred to on the day after FIFA's referees were exposed as having the eyes of a dead platypus was the one made by the stadium employee who decided to replay the awful offside call made in the Mexico/Argentina game.

Strangely, FIFA declared that it can do something about this. Immediately. And it will.

After all, the minute the Mexican players saw the replay, they tried to attract the attention of the Italian referee, Robeto Rosetti.

Rosetti had wandered over to his assistant in order, perhaps, to decide where they'd have steak or sushi that night.

Confronted with the truth, Rosetti, and now FIFA, decided to find the nearest carpet and swiftly sweep the evidence under it.

No more instant replays that replay the facts.

When it came to commenting on the actual refereeing decisions made, Mangiot was very open.

He said that the morning press conference was not the place to discuss such things.

After all, he added, he and Local Organizing Committee spokesperson Jermaine Craig weren't qualified to answer questions on such matters.

This seemed peculiar as many observing footage of the press conference believed that Mangiot and Craig had two functioning eyes.

Why was it not possible for FIFA to have brought the referees to the press conference?

Why was it not possible for the referees in question to have offered a mea culpa along the lines of that offered by MLB umpire Jim Joyce, who took away Detroit pitcher Armando Galarraga's perfect game?

Joyce was mortified. He expressed his sorrow. He was, and here's a concept FIFA might want to embrace, honest.

That very honesty means that Joyce can umpire again, with the support of players, coaches and fans.

It mattered less that MLB commissioner refused to allow the perfect game. It mattered more that at least the truth had been acknowledged.

Somehow, the honesty thing doesn't seem to sit so well with FIFA.

They seem to be the sorts of people who, when confronted by evidence of a rat infestation would suggest, when pressed, that people should stop eating food.

After all, they would argue, it's food that attracts rats.

In fact, they seem to be the sorts of people for whom the rat infestation wouldn't be all that important.

Instead, just as FIFA seems more concerned about whether players have their shorts tucked into their shirts, they would be more concerned about women replacing suspenders with pantyhose.

Coincidentally, Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA, was actually once elected President of the World Society of Friends of Suspenders.

Perhaps he felt that suspenders preserve the human element of a woman rather better than pantyhose.

Just as he feels that the human element is a vital part of football.

Yet there's one tiny difference between the machines that might police a goal-line and the referees currently entrusted with that task.

There's one difference between the cameras that might help a fifth official reveal the essence of a game-changing incident and the eyes that currently see no evil at vital moments.

Unlike referees, the machines are unlikely to make mistakes.

They are unlikely to be suspected of lying.

They are unlikely to be suspected of taking bribes. They are unlikely to be influenced by people in power and they are unlikely to express bias beyond fact.

Admittedly, though, there is one serious drawback with these machines.

They are unlikely to give good press conferences.

Chris Matyszczyk is an award-winning creative director who advises major corporations on content creation and marketing, and an avid sports fan. He is also the author of the popular CNET blog Technically Incorrect.

See also: