Dave's Ex-Writer Pens Humor Book

Even if you don't recognize his name, there's a pretty good chance Bill Scheft has made you laugh, as a writer for David Letterman, a variety of television specials and Sports Illustrated. Now, his second book is out.

"The Best Of The Show: A Classic Collection Of Wit And Wisdom" is a compilation of humor columns he has written for Sports Illustrated magazine.

Why columns and not commentary?

"I am not interested in my own opinion, so why should you be?" Scheft answers The Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith, "I'm just trying to make jokes about what's going on, and luckily, there is a lot of fertile area."

As for what it was like to work for Letterman, Scheft says, "I was not the only one writing jokes. I'd write 50 jokes, and on a good day he would do five of them on the air. Everyday was not a good day. Luckily we had a lot of other good writers."

His next novel, "Time Won't Let Me," is due out later this year. His screenplay of his first novel, "The Ringer," goes into production aimed at creating a full length feature film later this year, too.

Read the following excerpt:

ELS WEATHERS BRITISH Before the fourman, four-hole playoff began, Ernie huddled with his psychologist, Jos Vanstiphout. He was very supportive. I believe his exact words were, "Who do I look like, Harvey Penick? Just don't cough it up like you did against Retief Goosen and embarrass me!"

Jos Vanstiphout. That's the sound the membership board at Augusta makes when a woman approaches the clubhouse.

The tournament was full of surprises. Are you like me? Are you wondering if Tiger is suddenly using a Nike kryptoniteshafted putter?

Woods shot an 81 on Day 3, the worst 18 holes of his pro career. He played so badly that midway through the round, the Swedish nanny ducked into the scoring tent with Soren Hansen. Brutal weather for Round 3. On the bright side the flowers on Duffy Waldorf 's shirt and hat needed the rain.

Monty shot an 84 last Saturday. By the third hole he was reprimanded by course marshals for heckling himself.

ALLEN IVERSON AWAITS THE ANSWER The NBA All-Star was arrested on four felonies and 10 misdemeanors. None of the charges count as team fouls.

If convicted on all counts, Iverson faces a maximum of 65 years in jail. And his cousin gets two shots and the ball on the side.

Actually, it's 65 years, or 12 seasons with the Grizzlies.

Sixty-five years in prison. However, his lawyers are working out a deal to get it reduced to life in Reeboks. The latest incident began when Allen allegedly threw his wife out of the house naked. That would make her the first member of the Iverson family left uncovered.

Iverson's no dummy. He's going to show up in court with Bennett Salvatore and Bernie Fryer to protect him.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL CELEBRATES 16 STRAIGHT WEEKS WITHOUT A BOUNCED CHECK Despite reports to the contrary, Devil Rays managing general partner Vince Naimoli says his team is not desperate for cash. Of course, he said it while selling candy bars at the entrance to the Tampa Mall.

The balance of power in baseball is still lopsided. The Yankees placed Roger Clemens on the 15-day disabled list. Then, for insurance, they offered $6 million to the Blue Jays to acquire Roy Halladay's groin.

The Cardinals traded for veteran lefty

Chuck Finley. Not to be outdone, the Reds acquired the only person who can hit him- Tawny Kitaen.

The Indians are going through with a July 27 promotion in which they'll give out baseball cards of former Tribe's pitcher Bartolo Colon. And there are still seats available for Aug. 4 -Albert Belle Bobble- Hip Doll Night.

By the way, midnight July 31 is the insider trading deadline for Martha Stewart.

MARTINA HINGIS DATING SERGIO GARCIA She has only one complaint: He stands over her too long.

ROLAND LATINA, RAWLINGS'S "GLOVE DOCTOR," PASSES AWAY AT AGE 78 There is no truth to the rumor he was tied up with string, soaked in a bucket of water and buried under a 14-year-old's mattress.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Blood, Sweat and Tears.

THE NOTES

Jos Vanstiphou: This was the last thing I came up with for my first SI column. I love this formula, which Johnny Carson did for years as Carnac. My favorite: "The answer: Constantin Chernenko. The question: What is the sound a fat man makes sliding across a linoleum floor?"

Allen Iverson Awaits the Answer: Timing is everything. It was a huge break to get this story the first week. The details were odd, you had a hugely public figure and 99% of the charges were dropped. It raises the question: What phrase do you think Allen Iverson has heard more, "Nice shot," or "Do you mind if we ask you some questions?"

"Glove Doctor": I learned to write obituary jokes while working for Dave Letterman. The one I remember is about the guy who invented the multiplex movie theater. His funeral was at 11:00, 1:15, 3:30 and 6:00.

THE CUTS How about those course conditions at Muirfield? It rained so much Saturday, they had to dump out the Claret Jug three times. Remind me to fax this to Bob Hope if he's doing any gigs in heaven.

U.S. Post Office raises first-class stamp to 37 cents: Thanks a lot, Lance. Lance Armstrong was about to win his fourth straight Tour de France. He was sponsored by the U.S. Postal Service. But still and all, this is a stretch.

THE BAND An explanation: I started doing this to end my columns at ESPN Magazine. It was kind of a salute to my years as a comic opening for bands and singers. That's how you'd get offstage: "My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Jay and the Americans!" Just to be safe, for this first column, I went with a well-known group that evoked some sports-like images. That was the last time I did that. From now on, it'll mostly be residents of the "Where are they now?" file. I will include their one or two hits, just to jog your memories. If they had any more than two, you probably won't see them here.

New text copyright © 2005 by Bill Scheft. All previously published material copyright © 2002, 2003, 2004 by Sports Illustrated. All rights reserved.