"Dancing with the Stars": Kirstie Alley runs out of gas
To make it even more complex, there was a fourth judge with a strange accent - a Scotsman called Donnie Burns. He seems to have won more titles than Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson put together. And he talked as if he had once had a very small role in "Local Hero".
Pictures: "Dancing with the Stars" Season 12
The first dance came from the team chosen by Chelsea Kane. "The pressure is insane," she said. Could Kane cope with the insane? Could her fellow contestants, Ralph Macchio and Romeo keep up with her high- energy intentions in the cha-cha? Largely, they did, with Ralph Macchio showing he just about stays in time all of those whose father he could be. (Merely age-wise. I'm not spreading a rumor.)
As Chelsie Hightower had said with respect to the other team: "We can't get beaten by a bunch of parents," cheerily omitting thought of Macchio's two children.
The allegedly more mature team included a Kendra Wilkinson who was inexplicably competent, wiggling every appendage as if her career had always depended on it. The rest of her team members wobbled, but never fell. Odd, given Kirstie Alley was there. Alley gave it all she had, stayed upright and received deserved admiration from the judges.
New judge Burns was highly critical about the team's spacing, earning some welcoming boos. Still, he managed to make an Osama Bin Laden joke, so he knows how to be a good guest.
Even if you'd fast-forwarded through the ads that told of side-effects like yellowing of the skin or eyes and, um suicide, that was more than 30 minutes of the show gone.
Suddenly, there was Chelsea Kane and her partner Mark Ballas, ready to dance just for themselves. To help Kane look mean in the paso doble, Ballas brought in his mom, Shirley, who happens to be a ballroom great. She also has a lovely suburban English accent, as if she's just popped in from pruning the roses.
Shockingly, she immediately got in Kane's face. Literally. It was as if a mom was auditioning a potential daughter-in-law - to be her son's S&M agent.
Kane and Ballas' routine was modern, aggressive, hugely enjoyable and did, indeed, have a touch of bikerish S&M. Which meant that judge Len Goodman reacted like an old man searching for his false teeth in his treacle tart.
While judges Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli, still in touch with their nerve-endings, appreciated the innovation, judge Burns sided with Goodman. He also made a highly lame joke about bullfighter "El Cordobes" being turned into "El 'Sangels." Medication, please, nurse.
Kendra Wilkinson began, strangely, by complaining. She immediately declared that this was the most difficult choreography she had ever experienced. I am not sure what sort of dancing she did in the Playboy mansion, but dance coach Luca Baricchi decided to help her "find the body," which one would think wouldn't have been that hard.
Wilkinson didn't describe quite the lines of a Buenos Aires tango dancer, but she found enough of the body to get her through. "You were hanging on a little too much," said Tonioli. But the other judges indulged her. Perhaps the producers feel that Wilkinson's continued presence might just help the ratings.
And then it was the other resident soap opera, Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy. They were also helped by Shirley Ballas.
"Get those cute boobies going," Ballas suggested. Who could have known that professional instruction would involve boobie movement skills? As well as moving her boobies, Alley wept. She threw a tree. And this was merely rehearsals.
The real thing, a jive, began with modesty. It was brought to life with a huge boobie movement followed by a kiss, Alley being the protagonist. However, she found it hard to sustain a significant energy level during the dance. Her movements - yes, even the boobies - became limited. It was as if she was afraid to stretch her legs too far, just in case they walked off the floor and never came back.
The judges were subdued. Goodman, for example, described it as "uneventful." He added: "I could find very little to commend it." One suspects, though, that Alley's mature army of fans will have found just enough.
Ralph Macchio, already the mature side of 48, was another worried that his body would give out. "What do you want? My knee's killing me. Make a decision," he told partner Karina Smirnoff during rehearsals.
Macchio managed to get through the quickstep with enough verve, and enough elasticity in his ligaments to make for a winning, if not perfect, performance. Tonioli offered the description, employing, perhaps, the voice of experience, that it was "how to grab a quick one at the speakeasy."
He managed to grab a quick 10 from judge Burns. This was entirely unjustified. But, as an expression of sympathy, it offered Macchio hope, which is just what his knees need.
Hines Ward knows about the importance of knees and of body control. But, in his professional instruction, the wide receiver had to receive some attention that most definitely expanded both his bodily and his psychological width.
He had to experience some considerable male intimacy when Baricchi decided to play the female role with him. Baricchi gripped him, positioned him and gently stroked him - in front of Steelers great Jerome Bettis.
In this tango, Ward was James Bond. He shook when he was supposed to be shaking. He stirred when he was supposed to be stirring.
Goodman said it was "sharp and crisp like a pickle", before describing Ward's performance as "fairy-like". Goodman is, apparently, not fond of fairies (though he seems to be away with them half the time). He wanted more aggression. Burns wanted stiffer arms, which should not resemble the wings of American Airlines planes. Yes, he needs a better scriptwriter, assuming he has one at all. That wouldn't have even been funny in Scotland.
Snubbing his nose at all of the others, Tonioli offered the love of a 10.
Finally, there was Romeo who, to these eyes, has been lucky to have survived this long. To his eyes, his groove was back. Until Shirley Ballas told him: "Would you like to hold my hips?" Within seconds, she decided he was too responsive. Romeo, Romeo, wherefore is thy decorum?
Romeo's samba was oddly stiff. It was if he preferred to watch partner Chelsie Hightower strut her stuff, while he occasionally grabbed hold of it.
If a samba can ever have been described as dull, this was it. "Your bounce was the wrong kid of bounce," said Inaba, cryptically. "You've got a party in your pants, but you've got an earthquake in your shoes," said Burns. Or his scriptwriter.
Tuesday, Romeo's pants may be hosting a wake.
TOP TWO: Chelsea Kane, Hines Ward
BOTTOM TWO: Romeo, Kirstie Alley
