"American Idol": Mercury rises as Top 6 sing Queen
Sensitive viewers would have noticed that Ryan Seacrest's hair seemed to be describing a peculiar vertical. This was because he was still sick minutes before the show. Yes, it was so bad that Randy Jackson was brought in to offer an anodyne voice over introducing Queen - of whom surely at best five percent of the voters had ever heard.
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Sadly, the producers seemed to believe this was already the results show, as the whole thing began with a group number. A prophetic one this: "Another One Bites The Dust," which merged into "We Will Rock You," and, oh, no. It was enough to induce kidney stones.
It was a full 15 minutes before the competition began. Each contestant would sing a Queen track and then something personal.
Jessica Sanchez sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." That sentence seems like the title to a "Monty Python" sketch. Confronted with the predicament of Gladys Knight being asked to sing a little Aerosmith, Sanchez did quite well.
"Rock isn't your forte," offered an especially intellectual Steven Tyler. Jennifer Lopez noticed that Sanchez was wearing sneakers and had hoped this was a signal that she would fly around the stage, waving her locks around. She felt disappointed not to see this.
Skylar Laine was clearly excited to be channeling Mercury. About as much as Rupert Murdoch is excited to go clubbing. Hers was "The Show Must Go On." Strings were plucked as Laine sang of pantomime. Her talent almost made you believe this was a country song. This was a rare feat of tolerance on her part.
For Lopez, it was goosieworthy. Jackson and Tyler gushed. As another commercial break rushed toward us, one suddenly realized what this show was missing: Jimmy Iovine. Had he protested that he wouldn't be a part of this retrograde mockery? Without him, though, there was no opinion. There was no incisiveness. Just when we needed him most, he was gone. This was plainly crazy.
As if in tribute, here we had "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" being performed by Joshua Ledet. Again, this was major effort in the face of potentially major insult. Ledet was somewhat in his shrieky register. But what was he supposed to do? He finished strongly, so much so that the judges stood to applaud - or to show embarrassment that their hamstrings were not as supple as Ledet's.
Jackson compared him to Sam Cooke and Wilson Pickett. Lopez declared that Ledet was her favorite part of the show. Tyler talked nonsense.
Then we had the lady from the pub band, Elise Testone. "I Want It All," was her song. She held a tambourine. She wanted us to believe the '70s had never left us. This was its own kind of lovely. At least she has some true rock within her and she let it hang out there all over the stage, accompanied by six singers who played the role of her flying buttresses.
She always looks so sad when she's done. Is it because she fears what the judges will say? Or because she fears that being on "American Idol" will get her kicked out of the pub band?
Tyler and Lopez found perfect ways to tell her that she was great and make it sound like they didn't really love it. Jackson, at least, said it was one of her best performances.
Phillip Phillips chose "Fat-Bottomed Girls." Surely he didn't. Who told him to do this? Uncle Jimmy would surely have saved this Georgia boy from such foolhardiness. Throughout the song, Phillips made the facial expressions of a man who just wishes his acid reflux would finally go away. True, he often does this. However, this time it was convincing. How many Coors Lights would this boy have to ingest to ever be persuaded to sing this song again?
Tyler meaningfully looked at Lopez and said: "The bigger the cushion... the bigger the cushion."
Lopez kept looking at her notes. She claimed Phillips gives us different flavors, even though he sings so many songs in a similar way. This didn't even remind her of Dave Matthews. At least Jackson was honest enough to say it wasn't wonderful.
What of Hollie Cavanagh? Her prophetic tune was "Save Me." Indeed. It's an art to turn a Queen song into something written for Celine Dion, but this was at the heart of Cavanagh's mostly palatable effort.
"I really felt you get emotional in the middle of that," said Lopez. She added that the emotion made the notes turn crooked. Jackson was again critical.
So what of the singers' own personal choices? Jessica Sanchez chose "Dance with My Father." She explained that her father is in the military and had already been to Afghanistan and Iraq and would be soon going to Singapore. She is a daddy's girl.
She is such a fine singer, but the more you watch her, the more you wonder: who would buy Sanchez music? This was performed very well, but did it truly move anyone?
"That may have been the best I've ever heard that song sang," said Lopez.
"I don't think you could sing a song bad," said Tyler.
Still there was no Iovine to bring sanity, brains, wit or even English to all of this. Instead, we were treated to montages of the contestants talking about each other.
Skylar Laine sang of pickups and Mustangs. Ah, we were back in the land of normal. We should have known. She was wearing her cowboy boots. "Tattoos on This Town" was the song. Every week, Laine's performance underscores just how weak a winner last year's competition disinterred. Scotty McCreery is but a pimple when compared with Laine, who tattooed this song with her signature confidence.
"You're very comfortable up there," said Lopez. "I kinda missed the flair," said Tyler. "You've gotta find songs that take you back to that place," he added, not entirely being clear what place he was talking about.
"I think Josh's real daddy is an alien," Laine offered on the subject of Joshua Ledet.
Ledet's song choice was somewhat otherworldly. India Arie's "Ready for Love" is a song of subtlety. This was like bringing Sartre to band practice, but Ledet gave it full and appropriate grace.
The judges stood as one. Tyler even turned to the audience to encourage more adulation. "I don't even know what to say any more," said Jackson. Which has its advantages.
"I don't even know what to say anymore to you," said Lopez, with epic originality.
Elise Testone has now decided that, yes, she's a rocker. So she hung her hat upon Hendrix. "Bold as Love," was the song and the sentiment. This was truly enjoyable, because it contained so much New Jersey "to hell with it." It was if she was channeling Gov. Chris Christie's farewell to the Nets.
"You touched my heart," began Tyler. You could feel Testone glow - just before he added, "But you gotta remember, you gotta do songs people know." He also said, "You can't pick cherries with your back to the tree." Tyler's new solo album is called "Wittgenstein."
"You slayed that song so hard that it didn't even matter," countered Lopez. "I did not love that," counter-countered Jackson.
This being a personal choice, who would have been stunned to hear Phillip Phillips would sing a Dave Matthews song, "The Stone"? Was this a fine choice? Of course not. It merely underlined his similarity to Matthews. Worse, it wasn't half as rich as Matthews' version of Matthews.
This was surely Phillips' way of desperately trying to get off this show. This wasn't even a melodious Matthews song.
"Very entertaining, very off the wall," opined Tyler. Lopez called it both "obscure" and "artsy." What, like "The Cell"?
At this point, Seacrest revealed what might have been the real reason for his sickness. His girlfriend, Julianne Hough had swooned and declared Phillips "yummy." What joy for the producers it would be if Phillips disappeared with Hough and headed for the hills. Just think of those ratings.
Hollie Cavanagh might have been very clever with her personal choice. Knowing that so many of the voters are 6-year-old girls - or have the pink, fluffy taste of 6-year-old girls - she went for a little Miley Cyrus. This was "The Climb." Cavanagh seemed to make little contact with the audience, so keen was she to hit some appropriate notes. For much of the song, she seemed to have her eyes wide shut.
Oddly, the judges stood to applaud. Clearly, they're all Miley Cyrus fans.
"Perfect," said Jackson.
"It was perfect," said Lopez. Yes, the era of incisive criticism has not passed.
TOP TWO: Joshua Ledet, Skylar Laine
BOTTOM TWO: Phillip Phillips, Hollie Cavanagh