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2006 Lesson: Keep Privates Private

It's that time of year again when the media look back on the major stories of the year. In the spirit of "news you can use," here's a list of lessons, talking points and predictions you can take away from 2006 — so the year wasn't a total waste of time.

Lessons Of 2006

  • The genitalia of even the most beautiful celebrity can look disgusting out of context.
  • Jennifer Anniston continues to get movie roles to fit the one character she plays despite the fact no one comes to the theater.
  • Financially frugal, straight, drug-and-disease-free evangelical leaders are as rare as financially frugal, straight, drug-and-disease-free politicians.
  • No young, blonde, attractive girls went missing this year.
  • Gorgeous celebrity couples have very cute and profitable babies. Conversely, the babies of unsightly, obscure couples are of little or no value to pop culture.
  • White people still can't use the N-word.

    'Whuh?' Story Of The Year

  • Philadelphia Hands Out Condoms To Inmates To Stop HIV Spread

    The move has spurred the following awkward conversation: "Excuse me, Chainsaw, before you violently rape me, would you mind taking a moment to slip on this prophylactic? It will protect both you and me from the HIV virus and we'll be able to lead long, healthy lives inside this correctional facility. And while we're on the subject, can we turn the lights off this time? It makes it easier for me to go to my happy place."

    Predictions For 2007

  • O.J. Simpson will shop a book/interview deal called, "If I Didn't Do It" where he reveals a new hypothetical scenario of what he might have been doing if he hadn't killed Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend, Ronald Goldman.
  • The number of references to Nanci Pelosi's clothes on her first day as Speaker of the House will surpass fashion references to Denny Hastert from his entire tenure as Speaker.
  • Heather Mills' claims that Sir Paul McCartney was abusive and used illegal drugs will help him shed his stifling "good boy" image. He will begin a series of relationships with attractive women with low self-esteem — starting with Pamela Anderson.
  • Suri Cruise will have the basis for the first three chapters of her tell-all memoir, "No Summer Cruise: How Scientology Scarred Me For Life," to be released in the fall of 2028.
  • The next Internet phenomenon will be called MyTubes, where users share the internal imagery taken during colonoscopies and other exploratory procedures. Katie Couric will have her own channel.
  • The Wuebb-Log e-mail account will be flooded with angry, coordinated responses to a comment written back in 2006 suggesting Suri Cruise will reject the teachings of Scientology.

    Long Shots For 2007

  • The United States will declare victory in Iraq.
  • Paris Hilton will win the Nobel Prize for chemistry after developing a weight-loss cocktail of Red Bull, crystal meth and Clive Christian No. 1 Perfume. She will use the prize money to pay legal bills for her research assistant, Nichole Richie.
  • Bobby Brown will stay clean and make all his child-support payments.
  • Back fat and acne will rule the red carpet at the major movie awards.
  • Playboy will run a nude photo spread titled, "The Women Of 'The View' " with Rosie O'Donnell on the cover.
    Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.

    If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.

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