It's a two game suspension for Ndamukong Suh. I will table the emotional diatribes. I have been hearing / using the words "outrage" "disgrace" and "stupid" enough. No need to add to the din here. In my constant and pathological need to go against the grain, I find it necessary to help. Some people claim Suh needs to attend anger management training and that makes sense. Nothing soothes my ire like a nice meeting. But since we all live on television now, Suh doesn't actually need to curb his anger. He just needs to SEEM like he has curbed his anger. If he doesn't appear evil, then he is actually good person. What work has he done in making himself appear like less of a villain and more of a hero, other than his hundreds of hours and six figure donations to charities? That isn't enough in today's NFL. Here are three ways Ndamukong Suh can seem less intimidating:

Kittenwar - This website uses the tried and true "Hot or Not" concept and forces adorable kittens to face off against each other. This is a website so sweet I recommend diabetics stay away from it. I visited it to research this blog and I punched my laptop screen for no reason whatsoever. This is why Suh definitely needs to submit his picture. The argument alone is endearing (get it? Lions? Eh?) But simply having your picture among the kittens will give the Zebras pause. How can he actually want to kill Jay Cutler when his picture is featured on Kittenwar?

Glitter make up - Not just for strippers anymore. Those stupid vampires from the horrible boring no plot having ridiculous ponderous shallow ridiculous idiotic awful cheesy vile imbecilic tedious petty callow Twilight movies are all glittery. These days idiots line up around the block to see those movies, so Ndamukong can take their lead. Perhaps after throwing a quarterback down by the face mask, he immediately looks directly into the eyes of the referee behind the line, with at vacant expression. The ref will then realize he's being too hasty, and pick up the flag. The ref will then continue to stare at Suh, thinking he really ought not to act out on the feelings he is having or he might be killed.

Cleats made of candy - This solution would have avoided this whole mess from the beginning. I understand if reading this makes you think "Wow, what a cheesy joke! You clearly thought you could come up with more of these and you have two, and the second one was a stretch because you turned it into a Twilight joke!" I would point out to you that I have written far too many words to turn back now, but I think this could work. If he has to sit down with Michael Irvin or Keyshawn Johnson and explain himself, how easy would it be to simply say that Suh was shoving candy into the arm of the offensive lineman? Irvin would quietly acknowledge that he, too, likes candy, and the entire controversy would evaporate. Don't worry about candy's efficacy as a cleat either. I have had mouth abrasions from candy that cleats definitely wouldn't leave.