ADRIANA DIAZ:
00:01:24
Y. --is the X. Situation is X. When you did Y is the actual behavior. And then the impact is Z, how that made me feel. So you're making it about a situation and the impact it had on you as opposed to, you never do the dishes, which is making blanket generalizations, which makes the person end up feeling defensive. And then we want to do this with our kids, tell them how it makes us feel? Yes, it is so interesting because so much about what children learn about empathy is from hearing how you are feeling, which is so bizarre because you're, like, I don't want to put that on them. Is it even appropriate? Yeah, exactly. And for years, it's something that I personally struggled with. But there's something called theory of the mind that kids get from when they hear other people's situations. And they say, in fact, instead of reading your kid a bedtime story, ask them if they want to hear a G-rated version of your day. So telling them a little bit about mommy went to do this, mommy went to do that. Mommy had a stressful day. She couldn't get a cab on time. Whatever it is, bringing them into your world. And empathy doesn't really start to flourish, I would say, like four or five years old. Before that, the world is all about them. But when they understand that you have a life, that you're a person, you're not just a butler who's there to hand them everything, that makes them see, like, I get it. I have to have some respect for this other person. When I talk to the four and the six-year-old about picking up toys, it's like they don't even hear me. It's like I'm talking to a stuffed animal. And then with the 13 and the 16-year-old, like if I say clean out the dishwasher, it's like they've been unjustly accused of a crime and sentenced to life. It's like they cannot believe that this has happened to them. Totally. Yes. So there's a technique called the sandwich technique. Can that help? Yes, and kids love to eat sandwiches, so I love this technique, where you're starting with the praise. And that's really important because when we criticize people, the ratio-- we have to give them like six praise statements for one criticism to keep the balance because we all have a negativity bias, where if you say something negative, it hurts, and it stays. And we don't want kids to feel as if our love is conditional upon their achievements or what they do for us. So you say, like, listen, I'm so grateful for everything that you do when you do it. So one of my kids loves to cook, and I'm so appreciative when he cooks and he makes extra for us. And at the same time, I would love it if you would clean up the dishes after you're cooking. It's so wonderful. It is so helpful. You're saving me one night of dinner that I have to make. But please also do this. And end with I know how loving you are. I know how thoughtful you are. So give them the praise, give them the nudge, and then end with encouragement. So then they're hearing that I'm not a bad person. It's a situation. Again, you're bringing it back to the situation, but you're putting in praise and love in there as well, which is very important. Boundaries but warmth and kindness predict how kids do. So you say that we should also try to speak in our kids' language. My daughter said dude to me the other day, and I'm like, you're four. That is not OK. But how can we use kids' language to try to communicate and try to get some cooperation? Yes, so kids language, slang, what I find about it is that it's the humor really because they're not used to those words coming out of your mouth. So when my kids were fighting instead of getting ready for sports, I walked in, and I was like, looks like the rizz ain't rizzing. I'll come back when the vibe is vibing.
ADRIANA DIAZ:
00:04:26
OK, Dr. Varma! Or I'll go in, and they haven't done the dishes or the laundry, and I'll be six, seven. And they will freak out. They'll be like--
ADRIANA DIAZ:
00:04:34
I don't know what that means. I've not looked that one up. We still haven't-- one of my sons said-- he's like, I think it means it could be this, or it could be that. I mean, there are so many permutations, but it's like Gen Alpha language, which I thought was funny. But they just want to get me to stop talking and using those words. Right, right, right. Like, we get it. She's serious. She's mad. She's using our words on us. Yes, be as cringe as possible. So I have a toddler who's one, almost two. First of all, he can't speak well. So it's hard for me to communicate with him. Like, he understands everything I say, but he'll just say no. And he's like a linebacker. And then he'll just say-- he'll grunt. How do I get him to cooperate? The praise, the humor, even if they don't understand language just yet, but they do. They understand your facial expressions. So saying like you're doing-- noticing the behavior. There's a lot going on. There are big feelings right now. But I want to know how your big feelings feel about the shoes and which ones. So distraction helps. Redirection helps. Like, giving them choices because it's all about autonomy. If you have to go through-- leave the house, to say which shoes are you going to wear? Is it going to be the blue ones or the green ones? This is a big decision. Turn everything into a game. Because they're on their own timeline. They could care less about your agenda. Your agenda and empathy, that's not happening right now. So it's about playfulness and silliness. And I totally get it. We are going to sometimes lose our temper. It is 100% normal. So don't feel guilty. Don't beat yourself up. But giving options, making them feel like they're in control of everything. Which vegetable are we eating tonight? Is it going to be the broccoli? Is it going to be the kale? Is it the carrots? Is it the peas? They're just so cute. It's hard to say no. Yeah, I know. Dr. Varma, thank you so much. My pleasure.
