Tracy's Blog: Write or Die

I've long spouted a few core beliefs:

Exercise or die.

Hydrate or die.

Now, after the last few months without our station blogs, I'm adding a third:

Write or die.

A part of me is shriveling up. I can literally feel my insides wilting.

Since October my feelings, questions, irritations and epiphanies have been spinning around my head without an escape hatch.

Not from lack of introspection, mind you.

I believe it's merely the absence of this modern-day vehicle to give one's thoughts legs.

After proofing my daughter's English paper this morning, I realized the written word and regular discipline of writing a blog somehow give my thoughts a Pinocchio power to run out of my brain and allow me to breathe freely.

But blogging does more than free up psychological space; it also provides emotional and psychological clarity for me.

I am hoping that typing this note right now may help me understand, for example, the deeper reasons I just bit my husband's head off for complaining the washing machine is occupied...with laundry I am continually trying to stay on top of! And why I slept on-and-off all afternoon and evening on the family room couch, after anchoring two days of morning shows for the first time in 6 years. Granted, the Styx concert the night before didn't help. But still, am I really THAT OLD that I can't handle two consecutive nights without sleep?

I know I must exercise today to get my brain and body working in tandem again.

But I believe I've also been burying feelings deep inside that are yearning for a prison break.

The question is, which can I share and which do I keep private?

I will say this: it's been a tough few months as a first-time coach's wife, understanding the difficult balance between supporting my husband and staying connected to my wonderful girlfriends and fellow moms.

(Thankfully, we girls have discussed this and know we must suck it up for another few weeks! I am incredibly grateful for such thoughtful, caring women in my life. You know who you are.)

I am also yearning for time with my father. I am working on this.

I am also working on becoming a more open, truthful person in every aspect of my life.

I am trying to talk more to the people around me--from store clerks to coworkers--and invest time in their lives. I want to learn from everyone. I long to feel others' pain and joy. I desire connection.

Several books I'm reading are helping a bit. Over the holiday break I started Susan Scott's "Fierce Conversations" and Marianne Williamson's "The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife." (The latter was a gift from our entertainment reporter, Sandie Newton, and I highly recommend it *before* you hit midlife!) I swear, I was reading it while suffering on my garage stairmaster and shouted out loud, "Oh my gosh. That's exactly what I've been thinking and feeling!"

I did not make any New Year's Resolutions this year. But perhaps I'm declaring some Tracy Convictions--to do as Williamson writes: "This is not the time to stop working on ourselves; it's the time when we've finally accumulated enough clues to help crack the case and solve the mystery of why and how we've kept ourselves bound for so long....It's time to take a stand for your own potential... Just as adolescents must separate from their parents, you need to separate from the person you were before this point, to whatever extent that person was not the real you."

May this be a year of wonderful reunions and frequent coffee dates with friends and acquaintances.

May we all continue to learn about ourselves, "going slower in order to go deeper," and becoming the person God designed us to be all along.

--Tracy