A Rare Medium Well Done: 5.28.12

Editor's note: Greggo doesn't want us to edit this.  So we won't.

with apologies to jonas grumbly...HOSPITALS SUCK!..there is not one thing good 'bout em..(unless of course they save your life or you can tag a hot nurse)...but for the most part they are dungeons of discomfort...they are the last  place on the planet to get rest...sleeping on the central expressway median would be easier....if its not the myriads of 2am bloodletting...endless vital sign checks...bitchy nurses...and doctors who pop their heads in to ask how you're feeling..and bolting before you give an answer...it really seems they go out of their way to make a horrible situation even worse...here are just a few instances...

-beds...no way you can get comfortable...and the inclining and declining make it impossible to rest...and the linens...their thread count must be about a 15...think of lounging on sandpaper...and the plastic pillows?...I swear they could be used as a floatation device
-TV..something out of 1985...and that stupid ass remote...if you miss your channel..ya gotta roll all the way thru again...and the sound is like a drive-in movie from the 50's...
-gowns...for some reason...I had to wear one of those revealing and uncomfortable garments...no way you can experience one sliver of dignity...and trust me...you don't wanna see my ass
-that f&)!$ iv machine...turn the wrong way and it starts wailing like a crying kid on a plane...and the bitchy nurse says she will come fix it...and she does...about 20 MINUTES LATER!..
-endless reams of tape...they use it too much.....im convinced you can tape a skyscraper together with that tape...so that with the fact im a hairy guy...I looked like I had been waxed when they tore that stuff off...thought I might have to be hospitalized again for 3rd degree burns..
-the extremely plain looking walls..hospital rooms must use the same decorator as death row designer in a prison
-checking out...was told I was being released at 10am...the crazy amount of paper work was finished at 3:30...I finally walked out at 4:00
-only hours after my surgery..they had me up walking...and during my imprisonment...they stayed on my ass to walk...and walk...and walk...I did so alone...and pushing two iv machines..no help..none needed...but I wasnt allowed to walk out...had to take a wheelchair pushed by saddam
hussein...it was fine walking up and down corridors by myself...but now I had to take a ride...just another instance of robbing dignity

Now I know most of these things are cuz of insurance reasons...which is a whole other subject...but the next time I have to go to hospital...I want to arrive DOA...I promise that will be a much more pleasant experience...until next time...stay outta hospitals...