You've heard of love languages. What about lust languages?
You may be familiar with love languages, a popular way of thinking about how people respond to gestures like quality time, acts of service and words of affirmation. But did you know there's also a sex-focused version of this concept for couples? They're called lust languages, and experts say they can be a useful tool for the bedroom and beyond.
Just as love languages aim to help you better understand your romantic partner and how they express and experience love, lust languages can help you understand your sexual partner's perspective and preferences.
"Understanding what your partner's lust language is, is very important," says Stephanie Sigler, a certified sex therapist and intimacy specialist, because it's all about "what they want to receive."
Your lust language is the language that "speaks to your arousal," explains Joy Berkheimer, sexologist and licensed marriage and family therapist. "It's the way that your brain and your body receives the message that I want to connect more deeply with someone."
So if you speak that language, she explains, you're more likely to be able to have your partner move towards you and increase excitement around intimacy. Conversely, if you're not speaking their language, it can "feel frustrating because you think you're saying something that's supposed to turn everybody on, and there's no response at all," Berkheimer adds.
There are a few different frameworks of lust languages that people follow. For Berkheimer's clients, she utilizes the five "Erotic Blueprint" types, which include categories such as energetic, sensual and kinky. For example, people who fall into the sensual category love sensory experiences, whereas those whose preferences lie in the kinky category may prefer more taboo or creative experiences.
Sigler uses another framework that breaks things down into categories of sensation, ambition and more.
But don't worry too much about the different options, Berkheimer says; exploring any framework — many of which include online quizzes you can utilize to find where you fit — is what's important.
"Don't get tied up on the language of the labels itself, but more so this concept that can lead to some benefits with understanding (and) communicating with your partner," she says.
Not only can understanding lust languages be beneficial to your partner, it can also make you feel more confident.
"Any time we're able to communicate or be heard or be seen by our partner, that's going to increase our confidence in ourselves and the confidence in our relationship. (It) increases your closeness with your partner," Berkheimer says. "We feel validated. We feel accomplished."
How to get started
Whether you're in the beginning of a new relationship or wanting to renew a longtime partnership, Berkheimer says anyone can utilize lust languages. It's also a good check-in tool for those who haven't talked about their bedroom preferences in a while.
"How have you evolved? Those are the couples that are more successful that try to do that together and express that together," Berkheimer adds.
Interested in starting a conversation with your partner about lust languages but not sure how? Here are a few expert tips:
Send a quiz: One of the easiest ways to start a conversation about lust languages is to try an online quiz to see where you and your partner land, Berkheimer says, adding most people are open to it.
"Our partners really do love when we ask about their needs (and) desires," she says. "They're excited that you want to know about them."
Ask questions: Asking playful questions about what your partner might be interested in, in relation to different lust languages, is another option.
"Some people will say no, I don't want that, and then you know that maybe that's not their (language) type and you go on to (exploring) the next one," Sigler says, suggesting using "would you rather" questions if that feels more approachable than more direct questions.
Share what you're into: Being open about what you're interested in discovering is a great way to start that conversation too, Sigler says.
