The Not-So-Simple Life Of Paris

Paris Hilton is suing to shut down a Web site that is displaying her diaries, photos and other personal items.

Her belongings were allegedly taken from storage after a moving company failed to pay a bill. The Wuebb-Log staff has obtained a correspondence between Hilton and former boyfriend — and costar of their infamous sex tape — Rick Salomon. (Disclaimer: Everything below is a total fabrication, as is much of the above material. Wuebb-Log doesn't have a staff. If after reading this you still believe the events depicted in this column are real, you should not be allowed to read. Turn on a TV.)

How my heart yearns to once again have you in my arms. Just thinking of you causes a sharp burning in my loins. I hope you feel the same way, though it would be much easier if you would spurn me. We can't expect people to understand our fated attraction — you, an heiress to a fortune worth billions and I, the son of a simple multimillionaire.

Is the public ready to accept the sight of a Hilton-Salomon union? I see a hard road ahead for you, Paris. But if your love for me is real, you cannot hide it.

Your Devoted Lover,
Richard

Dear Richard,

I wish there were some way I could show the world how much I love you. I, too, feel the burning of desire deep inside me. It's not unlike something I felt once before. Suppression therapy, a balanced diet, and regular exercise were supposed to quell that tempest forever. But you've awoken a beast in me, Richard. I want to scream your name until the walls of my Manhattan penthouse tremble with my conviction. Let this cruel world be damned! You are my lover and if being with you means I wallow into social oblivion for the rest of my 20s then so be it.

Paris

My Own Juliet,

Like the naive star-crossed lovers of Shakespeare, I feel the cold encroachment of consequence setting in. It was a lark that woke young Romeo to reality after their consummation. For me, it was your cell phone interrupting our passion last night. I know you said you had to take it but I could feel our connection growing weaker with every "anytime" minute that passed. I wish there was some way we could capture our love so it never fades or degrades or loses picture quality.

Actually, there have been some amazing advancements in digital home video technology. It may be our only hope of staying forever young.

Your One And Only Richard

Sweetheart,

My thumbs are killing me. Text messaging was never designed for such formality. Of course I want to preserve forever my feelings for you. But I have one request: quality lighting. Visually it could mean the difference between one night in paradise or an hour of unrated cable access. Also, you have to promise me — no matter what happens or how much you hate me in the future or how much you need the money — don't ever let anyone know about this symbol of our undying bond.

But if you do, I want 60 percent of the DVD sales and a hefty royalty on all merchandise stemming from the aforementioned DVD. I also want script approval on any sequels.

From Now Until Eternity,
Paris

If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.