Seven Reasons Why Home Videophones Are a Terrible Idea
In the marketplace of ideas, you'd hope that common sense, insight, and taste would win out. But the parade of truly awful concepts -- such as political talk shows and most commercials -- belie this myth. And one more nail in the intellectual coffin is the home videophone. Seeing people face-to-face while still at a distance has appeared in science fiction and in business plans for decades. Sure, it works for various reasons in a business setting. However, every time home videophones have reared their nasty heads and cast about for support, the only allies were those who would make money off them, not consumers. Now we seem to have hit another crest in the home videophone insanity, as Samsung announced it will incorporate Skype's VoIP service into televisions. Once again the question starts: Will the videophone finally be reality? The answer is easy: No. And for seven good reasons.
Nobody wants to see you Chances are, you have a face for audio. But in the world of the videophone, you don't get to opt out of damning visuals. Think of yourself, first thing in the morning -- before coffee. Or after a long day at work and facing domestic cacophony. Do you have any idea how bad you look? No one wants to see your face. Not even your mother. And you don't want to see theirs, particularly if their days went well and they look radiant, healthy, and happy. Bah.
You don't want to tidy up Having a videophone is like inviting people in to your house. You're either an obsessively tidy person for whom the phrase "clean enough" does not exist or you're messy and a walking time bomb of embarrassment. No one wants to do a quick clean of his or her office, living room, den, bedroom, or even self just to talk with someone. What's next? Mandatory coffee klatches?
Wide-screen sexting would be just gross You know that prurient interests often lead the use of technology. Where would the Internet commercially be without porn? You know that lots of kids indulge in sending risqué pictures of themselves over cell phones. You know people relieve their long distance stress over web cams. What did you think they would do with videophones? The problem is that television screens are big. Really big. Any idea how off-putting giant pores, acne craters, facial flaws, and uncleared nostrils would look blown up large enough for Jack and the Beanstalk? 'Nuff said.
Makes badly dubbed foreign movies look coherent Skype means Internet. Internet video means a good chance of image lagging. How can you take seriously your best friend talking about a breakup when the words and the mouth don't stay in sync? Suddenly, everyone looks as though badly dubbed and waiting to audition for a remake of What's Up Tiger Lily? Imagine the added expenses You don't want to look bad. You don't want your place to look bad. That means one thing: spending money. Image consultants to advise on a phone-drobe. Personal care experts to prep you for your next onscreen appearance. Interior decorators to ready your boudoir for a virtual visitor. Or, if money's tight, a stand to hold a backdrop right behind you, or maybe a Hollywood-style blue screen, so you can project yourself onto any locale you wish.
Every conversation is a potential YouTube blooper Do I really need to say more?
Kill every lie, excuse, and cover-up you've ever used The final straw. Forget about calling work, claiming to be sick and faking a sneeze or cough. Forget about telling someone that you can't come over and babysit because you've got a houseful of guests. Forget about telling your boring acquaintance that you have to get dinner ready when the Chinese food take-out containers are clearly visible on the table. You are hosed.
Videophoning at home? Ain't gonna happen. Thank heavens.
Image: Flickr user qthrul, CC 2.0.