Separate But Stupid

Sometimes, individual stupidity isn't enough. Every now and then, an entire movement, people, party or nation strides boldly on to the stage of history and seizes the mantle of mass idiocy. DoofusWatch brings you the party of Ross Perot, Pat Buchanan, Lenora Fulani, John Hagelin and Admiral Stockdale.

Don't believe for a moment that Reformistas are the only Campaign 2000 Doofus. The slow-witted exploits of politicians from New Jersey, California, Utah, Missouri, Massachusetts and elsewhere are also listed below...

Papa Ross (AP)

Let's recap: On election night, 1992, as the returns were coming in, party founder Ross Perot danced with his wife Margot to the tune of Crazy. One voter in five, more or less, was crazy enough to pick him at the ballot box.

It was all downhill from there.

Somehow, in between calls for campaign finance reform and a balanced budget - not to mention a "this-land-is-my-land" ethos - a good measure of stupidity set in.

Eight short years removed from its high-water mark, we happily relegate the Reform Party to the status of the stultifying.

Perot, that cute little man, kicked off the canoodling when he backed out of the '92 race because, he supposed, George Bush the Elder was planning on sabotaging his daughter's wedding. After the jug-eared captain of industry got back in, he treated to the country to Admiral James Stockdale - he of "Who am I? Why am I here?" fame - and therewith solidified his own kooky reputation.

In the intervening years, Perot angered so many respected policy makers, journalists, and officials with his pugnacious style that much of the talent initially lured to the party's cause took its ideas and folded them back into the two major parties.

In 1996, running with the intelligent (by party standards) Pat Choate, Perot's appeal fell of miserably, and he gleaned less then ten percent of the vote.

Amazingly, it was still not over. Talented people were clamoring to steer the party back toward respectability. And in 1998, under the party banner, the nutty but competent Jesse Ventura won the governorship of Minnesota.

Fast forward to 2000 - past a series of brawls, paranoid rants, bad debates, poor poll showings and disgusted ex-wrestlers - and you're au courant, with the part divided into two quarreling factions. Mr. Buchanan is gunning for the table scraps in the form of $12.6 million in federal funding still ear-marked for the erstwhile political movement. The only man standing in pitchfork Pat's way is John Hagelin, an overly sublime transcendentalist.

Good news for those who enjoy watching death creep in slowly: The Reform Party, whatever it ends up looking like, will also get matching funds in 2004. This third-party bee has stung, and it doesn't have the decency to go quietly into that good night.

Robinson (AP)

We'd be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on that, except for the Nixonian response he gave to reports of a restraining order taken out against him by a former girlfriend: "I am not a groper," Robinson said.

By the way, Robinson complains about the media, calling it "hypocritical," because Ted Kennedy's life hasn't received equal scrutiny!

July 19 Doofus Update: Robinson, knocked off the ballot a few weeks back after a state commission ruled he was 14 valid signatures short of the 10,000 needed to qualify, had his candidacy reinstated by the state's highest court. It seems that the backs of some of the signature sheets Robinson used were printed upside down - hardly suprising in view of his track record as a candidate. And hardly reason enough, the court ruled, to knock him off the ballot. Stay tuned to DoofusWatch for future Jack E. developments.

Whitman (AP)

But now Whitman finds herself explaining away a pesky 1996 photograph of her patting down a black man in a "stop and frisk" operation in Camden, N.J. There is a disturbing smirk, smile or grimace on Whitman's face. Hard to say definitively which, but DoofusWatch is leaning toward smile.

If Whitman had only chosen to frisk Camden Mayor Milton Milan, (see Milan's Doofus file below) she might now be hailed as a crimefighter.

"Apologies are too easy," she told New Jersey's Star-Ledger. "Am I sorry this picture is being used out of context to undermine the work we've done? Yes. Am I sorry there is a picture out there that can be extrapolated to try to make me look like something I'm not? Of course I am."

It pains DoofusWatch to do so, but Whitman has been provisionally admitted. It's unlikely that the frisk folly will produce permanent damage to her political career. One thing's for sure, though: The pat-down peccadillo destroyed her chances of becoming George W. Bush's running mate.

Quackenbush (AP)

Call it the Quack Quake Quandary.

One of the Golden State's top elected Republicans, Chuck Quackenbush has felt the heat for his handling of a fund designed to pay homeowner insurance claims for damage suffered in the 1994 Northridge earthquake, which devastated parts of the Los Angeles area.

In early May, a Superior Court judge froze what remained of the foundation's assets - only a tiny sliver - and called the fund a "sham."

The fund's largest contribution - $500,000 - went to the Sacramento Urban League, where Quackenbush serves on the board of directors, the Los Angeles Times reported.

Quackenbush had insisted that the fund operated independently, but state legislators produced copies of a July 1999 letter from the CEO of the Urban League. According to the Times, the letter said: "Thank you for your gift of $500,000. ...Chuck..."

Apparently, the folks running the fund (Quackenbush cronies all) were funneling millions of dollars to friends and pet causes instead of paying claim money to quake victims.

Quack also got together with Shaq to produce a "quake awareness" video and television commercial, at a cos of over $800,000. The ad, which featured Los Angeles Lakers star Shaquille O'Neal and the commish, was never distributed due to mismanagement.

Not a lot has been heard from Quackenbush himself; the commissioner recently stormed out of a legislative hearing on the issue, citing hostile e-mail sent by a Democrat. The Times reported the blustery behavior came on the advice of Quackenbush's attorney, who is nicknamed "Mad Dog."

In April, the Times did quote him as expressing a touch of remorse:

"If I had to do this over again, this would be much, much more tightly drawn." he told legislators.

But even if he cried us a river tomorrow, DoofusWatch deems it doubtful that even the biggest Laker or the maddest dog could save Quackenbush now. To wit:

"When you say 'impeach,' forget it," Helen Felix of Sherman Oaks told the Sacramento Bee. on "He needs to go to jail."

Doofus Update: Quack's packing his bags, now that he's resigned as insurance commissioner, effective July 10th. That saves him from impeachment by the California legislature, but Quack's legal troubles may not be over.

Cook (AP)

"He just kind of lost control of his vocabulary," Scott Simpson, executive director of Utah's Republican party, explained to CBSNews.com after Cook served up a helping of four-letter words.

Janet Jenson, fired by Cook a few years back, put it another way in a 1998 office e-mail:

"Merrill has taken up permanent residence in whacko land," Jenson wrote. "If he asks you to fax his underwear to the Speaker's office, please just do it."

Cook, the owner of a dynamite factory, has spent millions of his own money financing seven separate stabs at public office, and recently lost a civil lawsuit.

In this light not even Utah's Republicans have lined up behind Cook, about whom there have long been whispers of, shall we say, a short fuse.

Perhaps looking on the bright side, Cook called the lost lawsuit a victory for campaign finance reform.

Doofus Update: Cook lost the GOP primary in a landslide to a 35-year-old millionaire computer entreprenuer who stepped into the race minutes before the filing deadline.

Edwards (AP)

The day before his May 9 conviction, Edwards exuded confidence. Asked if he had anything to hide, he told CBS News:

"Oh yes, but not in connection with this investigation."

A jury disagreed, and once the jurors got the right form from the judge, they convicted him on 17 counts of racketeering and fraud. Sweet music to the feds, who had hauled him in front of more than a dozen grand juries.

"There isn't a penny missing from the state treasury," the New Orleans Times-Picayune quoted a visibly shaken Edwards as saying after learning his fate.

Indeed. How could it be missing if it never was there in the first place?

Edwards still faces 255 years in jail, and seems to have no doubt he'll end up there. Ironic, since he told Tim Russert 10 years ago on national TV he was going to clean up his act.

Take comfort, Guvna! Unlike your state jails, at least federal prisons have air-conditioning!

Milan (AP)

Robert J. Cleary, U.S. Attorney for New Jersey, told the New York Times that Milan "designed his pay-for-play system for his own selfish benefit, and the rest of the public be damned."

In April, Milan tried to sell his house - the same one he leveraged to post bail - for $115,000. But the feds put a stop to that, since the newly renovated domicile's improvements - especially the new windows, which he had to gall to brag about in the reaestate listing - were mentioned in the indictment as examples of his corrupt practices.

Since Milan is the third Camden mayor to be indicted for corruption in 20 years, you'd think he might have figured somebody would be watching.

Gebhardt (AP)

When approached by reporters in March, Gebhardt, who has loose ties to state Republicans, started muttering about family tragedies and vowed to "disappear for a few days" to get his head together. He hasn't been seen since.

Addendum: A Lexis/Nexis database search on "Dick Gebhardt" - with a "B" - conducted on April 26 turned up dozens of instances in which the minority leader himself's name was misspelled. Nobody's praising the mass media for its intelligence, but if the Denver Post can make this mistake, might the voters as well? Or, might the news media be a future candidate for DoofusWatch?

May 19 Update: Gebhardt pulls out of race before he could be unceremoniously drummed out by his powerful incumbent rival. Geb, we hardly knew ye!

Johnson (CBS)

Apparently a family-values Republican, Johnson was also recently acquitted of assault charges after he tried to forcefully remove a stud from his daughter's tongue in a local parking lot. Johnson said the charges were trumped up, but his daughter told a local paper after the ruling "I know he was wrong, so I don't want to say I'm happy."

And the family of a deceased local journalist, Thetis T. Sims, is suing the sheriff in a wrongful death case after Sims died of a heart attack while conducting a one-on-one interview with the sheriff. She was probing allegations e invented a raffle winner (whom nobody can find) and pocketed $12,000 in campaign cash. Sims' family claims Johnson failed to administer CPR. Johnson claimed he was unable to attempt to resuscitate her because rubber gloves he was trying to pull on kept tearing.

One resident tells the Chicago Tribune that Bureau County has become a laughing stock. Johnson's staffers say their boss won't talk about the widening finance probe, but one staffer tells CBSNews.com in confidence that the whole thing is a "distraction."

By PETE BRUSH