Sales Message Improvement Clinic

Last week I asked you to send me your sales messages so that I could rewrite them. I've gotten quite a few, some of which (I must say) are pretty much beyond all hope. However, here is a group of five messages that just needed some tweaking to become more effective.

Before going any further, I should point out that these messages are all "tags" rather than "field messages." Tags are shorter and usually express the aspiration of the vendor. Field messages are typically longer and tell a story where the customer is the protagonist and the vendor is the helper. (For more on this see "To Sell More, Tell The Customer's Story.")

However, even though these messages are "tags" I've tried to insert some of the flavor and thrust of a good field message into them. BTW, I've added polls so that you can vote on whether I've improved the messages... or not.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE FIRST MESSAGE »
MESSAGE #1:
Business: Certified cabinet designer, now a remodeler.

Current: "Designs inspired by your lifestyle"
Strength: Focuses on the customer.

Weakness: The term "lifestyle" is overused, and the idea that you're going to find out all about it and be inspired by it is kinda creepy.

My rewrite: "You provide the inspiration; we'll do the remodeling."

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE SECOND MESSAGE »
MESSAGE #2:
Business: Small patent firm that competes on quality not price.

Current: "Helping Clients Protect and Monetize Their Technology and Software
Strength: Focuses on helping the customer.

Weakness: The term "monetize" is jargony. Also opening with a gerund is a bit "markety" if you know what I mean.

My rewrite: "We turn your creativity into equity."

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE THIRD MESSAGE »
MESSAGE #3:
Business: Web design shop servicing mostly SMBs.

Current: "Teach us about your business and we'll teach you about the web."
Strength: Attempts to define a mutual relationship.

Weakness: Customers don't want to "learn" about the web; they just want their websites to work well. Also, teaching sounds like work to most people, so you're asking them to start the process by adding to their workload.

My rewrite: "Tell us about your business, and we'll help you tell the world."

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE FOURTH MESSAGE »
MESSAGE #4:
Business: Employee benefit services (insurance and HR)

Current: "For all your employee benefits needs call Soldevila & Associates"
Strength: None.

Weakness: Way too generic; sounds like a 1950 radio ad. And "employee benefits needs" is awkward and ungrammatical. Ugh.

My rewrite: "Call us to get your employees healthy and productive"

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE FIFTH MESSAGE »

MESSAGE #5:
Business: Web video production.

Current: "How do I add video to my webcasts?" "How can I increase my event audience?" "How do I put my training course online?" You don't have to know how. You just have to know us.
Strength: The final tag has a very cool ring to it.

Weakness: A bit longish... and the questions are shotgun. One might resonate, but the others might fall flat. And none of them really captures the essence of the service.

My rewrite: "Want your video content to go worldwide? You don't have to know how. You just have to know us."