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Paris Hilton 2.0

If you're not like me, you're counting the days for Paris Hilton's release Monday. And unlike me, you may also be one of the adoring fans writing letters to the hotel heiress to keep her spirits up while she sits in the L.A. county clink. But if you are like me (and most legal analysts who dropped important commitments to comment on the Paris case) you think her sentence was much too harsh.

An average person would have been sentenced to community service for such offenses. Paris should be cleaning up trash (perhaps discarded copies of her self-titled album) along the Glendale Freeway. But there is one positive in her long sentence: She has the nation's sympathy. Paris has a chance to start over and use the media circus surrounding her to help others. Here are a few suggestions of where to start.

Eat Something, In Front Of A Camera
Stories that Paris refused to eat in jail only fuel the misconception among young impressionable fans that Paris doesn't actually consume nourishment like normal people. She should eat food in broad daylight with cameras rolling. Licking sea salt off a hunky male model in her "Stars Are Blind" video and the two bites of a burger she ate while soaping herself up on a black Bentley in that Carl's Jr. commercial don't count. I'm talking paparazzi clicking away while she forces the stray bleu cheese dressing-coated romaine lettuce leaves into her mouth from a Cobb salad with extra bacon.

"Entertainment Tonight" would kill for an exclusive of Paris digging out the last chocolate-covered pretzel with her fingers from a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby. The world would be a slightly better place with a shot or two of Paris with ketchup stains on her face.

One Word: Underwear
From film, video and the countless paparazzi shots, I've seen a lot of Paris (research requirement). The woman starred in one of the most popular porn movies of all time (curiously listed as a "documentary" on IMDB.) And let's not forget, she was the first to "accidentally" flash the cameras getting out of a limo. Now that the cat is out of the bag, it's time to get back in those undergarments, at least for a probationary term. And it may directly serve the community — the next generation of celebutantes could follow suit. Hopefully this will head off any potential local news trend stories about teens pulling a "Paris" in class.

Prison Tattoo Designs Of Reconciliation
Now that Paris has some street cred, she should use her celebrity status to market positive images to her gangland fans. A tattoo has become a rite of passage for many young people living in the inner city. Paris can give them an alternative to the barbed-wire and Glock tats popular with some gang members. To throw out a few ideas: A unicorn walking through the mean streets of Compton, Jesus breaking a sawed-off shotgun in half over his knee, Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur embracing in a tongue kiss. Maybe this weekend Paris can sketch some stuff out between stints in the yard.

Paris is only 26 years old and claims she wants to turn her life around. If she started making these types of changes I just might one day consider myself a fan (as likely as an Amy Winehouse guest spot on "Sesame Street"). But I still wouldn't buy her album.
By Mike Wuebben

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