Lessons Learned From 'Home' Work

Lots of parents in this country work because they have to, not because they want to. Many have probably wondered if they would be a better parent if they could put their careers on hold and stay home.

CBS News correspondent Joie Chen met a Maryland mom who had a chance to find out and has a lesson for all guilt-ridden parents.

The morning hustle starts early in Potomac, Md., for Lynn Charytan, her husband and their three boys.

At 6:50 a.m., it's lights on for Jesse, 6, Danny, 9, and Noah, 11.

It's a gerbil on a treadmill routine: get the kids out of bed and ready for school. The routine probably sounds familiar.

"It's sort of the mounting to 'I'm going to lose it in five minutes if I have to tell you one more time to come!' " she said after several reminders to the boys to get up and dressed.

If you know what Charytan's talking about, wait until you hear about her extraordinary summer vacation.

After seven years as a partner in a big Washington law firm, she got a deal most parents only dream of — a three-month paid vacation with full pay and her job guaranteed.

It was what she needed to be the mom she wanted to be.

"I am (lucky). I know it," Charytan said. "It just felt like having a fairy godmother. It was terrific."

This Cinderella was able to stay home, but June Cleaver didn't magically appear; nor did any other perfect mom.

She surprised herself. Charytan tried to explain her experience in a Washington Post essay.

Lesson one: Staying home doesn't make you a different person.

"I was more or less the mother that I am — not much better, not much worse," she says.

Lesson two: The grass is not always greener on the other side.

"You don't get a stress-free life because you're home fulltime. You still say 'hurry up, hurry up' incessantly when you are home."

Lesson three: Being there doesn't guarantee perfect kids.

"Despite morning bike rides for warm donuts, lunches and museums, several cookie baking afternoons and my face at the door each afternoon, they started October with the same warts they had in June."

Now back at work, Charytan hopes other parents will let go of some guilt.
After all, she found she is the just same mom at work and at home.

She is one who would, as she says, "Like more time with my kids, in which the years and hours would move more slowly, giving us the space to cherish each moment. But no one needs to tell any mother that."

"Time off isn't an instant extreme makeover," said Mary Lou Quinlan, a marketing consultant and the author of "Time Off For Good Behavior — How Hardworking Women Can Take a Break and Change Their Lives."

"You are who you are," she said. "(Charatyn) was a type-A mom before and a type-A mom now. I hope she got the gift of at least a little perspective from having taken the time."

What's a good indicator a working parent needs to take time off?

"You see moms neglect themselves because they worry about everyone else and not for themselves, their health and fitness," Quinlan said. "They don't sleep. Their temper gets short. She's repeating herself over and over again."

At some point, you reach a breaking point. That was the case for Quinlan, who walked away from work for five weeks.

"The breaking point is when you don't recognize yourself anymore, when you find another voice coming out of you because you're angry or tired," she said. "It's important to step back and that's what Lynn did. I think it's great she had the courage to do it."

Anyone who would like to take a break should find out if the company offers full-paid or partial-paid sabbaticals. Many people don't take advantage of the flexibility their company offers.

"Don't quit," said Quinlan. "You need to think and have a plan and negotiate a way out of this. You could get a leave. Some companies have flexible time. The important thing is keep that door open because if you take the time to see if you would like to be a mom all the time, you may find you like your job and you need to or want to go back."

Charatyn had a three-month paid leave of absence — something not very common.

"She's lucky she worked that out. But it may be she did a terrific job for a long time and they decided they wanted to keep her and that was the price," Quinlan said.

Quinlan says Cheratyn could have done a few things differently to have used her time at home more effectively.

"First, I wish she could have enjoyed the time instead of setting herself up to be a perfect mom. That's asking for it. Just enjoy the extra time," Quinlan said. "Second, give her some perspective and thinking and relaxing time because otherwise she keeps on the treadmill and wakes up and she's the same."

Maybe there doesn't have to be a choice between working and not working but a middle ground. Perhaps reassess and do something different with your career.

"I did that," Quinlan said. "I think you say 'What are my priorities?' If you need to make changes, it's time to do it."

If you can't afford to quit or take time off, Quinlan suggests using weekends to do the thinking instead of always running, running, running.