How To Talk To Teens About Sex

The topic of teens and sex always seems to generate controversy. Should parents talk to their kids about it? Should they be taught about birth control? And, what is the appropriate age for it to be acceptable for teens to engage in sex?

A new survey released by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy found that 88 percent of teens say that it would be easier to postpone sexual activity if they were able to have more open and honest conversations with their parents about it.

Dr. Drew Pinsky, the co-host of Loveline, has some interesting insights to share about the latest results.

According to the survey, 48 percent of adults thought that teenagers would be embarrassed to admit that they were virgins and really only 26 percent of teens say they were embarrassed.

Pinsky notes, "It is interesting because our norm for teens are not as ominous as we might have thought. What the teenagers are doing is really not that bad, but we think they're behaving out of line. They should be promoting that teens on average are doing better in terms of their sexual behaviors and reproductive behaviors and alcohol use."

But what is important, Pinsky says, is to be in open dialogue with your kids, to really know what is going on.

"Good research shows, if you establish that dialogue between 8 and 12, that dialogue will continue into adolescence when the important material emerges," Pinsky says. "I've been in large groups of kids where we have asked the question: 'When should parents talk to kids?' And the adolescents basically say, 'When I ask and when I'm ready. I just want answers.' If they come to you for answers, you can color those answers with your expectations and your values."

He says the point is not for parents to talk to 8 and 12-year-olds about the mechanics, but to have their questions answered.

He notes, "Over 80 percent of teenagers want the information from their parents and believe if they got it from their parents, it would help them make healthier choices. So we need to sit down and do our job as uncomfortable as it is. I don't think an 8- to 10-year-old should have an explicit lesson, but you should just go with them as far as they want to go and give them the facts."

Another important issue to address is abstinence and options about birth control.

Pinsky says, "We're not giving a mixed message when we say to a teen,'We expect this of you and we don't want you to do the following...But if you do, here is what we need you to be prepared for.' It's the same as saying, 'I don't want you drinking. You're not 21. It's against the law, but if you drink and drive, that is a serious issue.'

"A mixed message is, 'Hey, I do not want you drinking, but if you're going to drink, have a beer with us at home.' That is allowing the same behavior in a different circumstance and that is a mixed message and kids cannot process that. They can very easily process a clear message what is expected of them but if they screw up, then how do handle that."

The survey also found that 45 percent of adolescents said it was their parents who influenced their decisions on sex. And just 32 percent said it was their friends.

Pinsky explains, "As we've seen in previous studies, the parents have a profound impact and the kids want the parents to make that impact upon them and we as parents, of course, want to impress upon them what is and is not a healthy choice, so it is about doing that uncomfortable job."