How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

I recently saw a video where a guy who gets paid to write elevator pitches was asked to give his own elevator pitch. Here it is:

We are business storytellers. We help organizations accelerate their business relationships to improve prospecting success, to accelerate the knowledge and understanding and resonance that the story has, and to improve the bottom line to help you increase your revenue. We do this in three big ways: helping you create a compelling elevator speech, networking plans to attract the ideal clients, and presentations which close the deal. American Diabetes Association, Charles Schwab, Warner Bros., and Urban Land Institute are examples of organization that have trusted us to help them tell their stories.

Human beings -- you, me, your customers -- live in a world of stories. These stories give meaning and purpose to the chaos of everyday life. If you want your customers to listen, and want what you're offering, you've got to capture them with a story. We specialize in helping you figure out exactly how to tell your story in a way that will compel your customers to buy. And we've got an armload of clients, like Charles Schwab and Warner Bros, who have increased their lead conversion rate by up to 25 percent with a story we've helped them craft. Would you be interested in learning how to come up with a story that immediately increases sales revenues?

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The post is continued in How to Write an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 2), where I deconstruct each of these pitches to see why they work... and don't work. You might also want to check out How to Write an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 3), which explains why a rewrite contributed by a user is better than both of the above.