'Home Court' Parenting Advantage
Kids are busier than ever these days. Their lives are jam-packed, with every second scheduled.
But, according to noted psychologist Kevin Leman, parents are substituting all kinds of activities for quality family time with them, and children are suffering because of it. Leman offers some solutions in his latest book, "Home Court Advantage."
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"The home court advantage," he told Storm,"involves giving your kids that inner-strength of who they are, bonding to your family. The researchers say the kids who feel like they belong to your family are the ones who are least likely to engage in any aberrant behavior whatsoever.
"It's the time you put in your kids that makes the difference. You put an indelible imprint in your kids' lives, daddies to daughters, mothers to sons, in particular," Leman says.
"Home Court Advantage" is an anti-American book, he adds. "It says clearly, 'Hey parents, stop the insanity. Get your kids out of all the activities you got them involved in."
Leman suggests limiting each child to one outside activity per semester, period.
EXCERPT
Over-parenting: Don't Push It
A mother called an Atlanta physical therapy clinic, anxious to squeeze in an appointment. Her nine-year-old daughter had injured her arm swimming six times a week for two swim clubs. Now she was having trouble even lifting that arm.
The physical therapist made room for her in his schedule that afternoon. He grew concerned when a quick examination revealed that the girl, who was also involved in competitive soccer, couldn't raise her arm without significant pain.
"She really needs to rest this arm," the therapist advised.
"But the district championships are in ten days!" Mom said.
"That may be so, but she needs to take at least one week off—a full seven days, and then we can reevaluate her. She's overworked this arm and needs to lay off."
"You don't understand," the mother argued. "It's the district championship. She's a great swimmer. She has such potential!"
Everywhere I go, parents like that mom want their kids to win. They want them to rise above the competition, finish first, and stand out.
Winning isn't bad. I don't go to the University of Arizona Wildcats basketball games to admire the team logo painted at center court. I love it when my team wins. But if it loses in the final 1.3 seconds on a brilliant three-point play by the opposing team, I won't turn to my youngest daughter and say, "Lauren, let's go tip and burn a police car, and maybe finish the evening throwing a few garbage cans through local business windows. What do you think?" Winning is good—in proper perspective.
But what difference is missing a couple weeks of swimming practice and a district meet going to make in the "swimming career" of a nine-year-old girl? Is she really going to miss the NCAA Swimming and Diving Championship ten years down the road because she didn't compete for four days in July? More to the point, why is this mother concerned about swimming stardom for her nine-year-old in the first place? When Proverbs, that age-old book of wisdom, says, "Train a child in the way he should go," it isn't talking about daily 5 A.M. laps in the pool.
High parental expectations are nothing new, but greater disposable time and income now allow us to pursue pie-in-the-sky dreams to a degree perhaps never seen before. Parents are throwing time and money at their kids' future "success" as if parenting were career coaching and family life were training for the Olympics.
I realize that most of you aren't packing your bags for the Olympic training facility in Colorado Springs. But if you step back and evaluate your expectations, you'll probably find that in some ways you are packing your child's emotional bags for that destination the world calls success.
Who knows? you think as your 18-month-old son picks up his little plastic golf putter and swings aimlessly at his little plastic golf ball. He could be the next Tiger Woods.
He may—though the odds are about a billion to one against it. But stare at that tiny glimmer of a thought too intently and it can slowly pollute your priorities. The PGA Tour is among the furthest things from your toddler's mind. That fantasy belongs to someone else—you, the parent, who may be trying to live out your dreams through your children.
These dreams need not be grandiose; often those that work their way most insidiously into a family's daily activities are the subtle assumptions. For example, you and your spouse, both teachers, may not expect your child to follow your career path; you may even be careful to let him choose his own vocation. But because both of you were once straight-A students, you may expect the same from your child whether he's going into theater management or biophysics research. What happens when you discover that your little Norbert is not an Albright scholar—that in fact, he's neither a scholar nor all that bright?
Or perhaps your high school plastered the gym wall with plaques of your all-star record-breaking feats. Your competitive streak may show from the soccer field sidelines as you yell for your elementary school daughter to "Go for the ball!" when all she wants to do is stand at mid-field and talk with friends about the new student in class.
Such underlying expectations are hard to recognize in ourselves; it's easy to assume that what came naturally to us will come naturally to our own flesh and blood. And it's easy to push kids into all sorts of activities to get ahead.
The activity trap, I call it. It's not easy to escape, because you don't feel steel jaws biting into your leg when you're in it. More likely, your entrapment will be applauded. You may receive the praise of parents in your neighborhood carpool and believe you're helping your child advance. But if your family relationships and your child's character development are more important to you than whether he makes a career of hitting a little white ball long distances or is admitted to East Coast schools that are overgrown with ivy, then you need to examine how these misconceptions subtly affect you.
Copyright © 2005 by Dr. Kevin Leman
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A Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60189
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