Hard Of Hearing

Here's a commentary on campaign finance reform hearings by CBSNews.com's Dick Meyer:

There is, on the other hand, a way to get rid of the most irritating symptoms of corruption and scandal in American politics: ban Congressional hearings forever.

It's doable. It's cheap. It's clean and easy. And as the Quaker Oats guy says, "It's the right thing to do."

Immense immediate benefits would flow from outlawing these hideous crimes against public taste. We would never have to watch them on TV again. It would be harder for politicians to get on TV. (All in favor, say "aye".) There would be fewer lawyers' billable hours in the universe. There would be no opening statements ever again. CSPAN would have more airtime to cover fun things, like reunions of Survivor castaways or panel discussions with Internet journalists. Strom Thurmond could nap more privately.

Yes, there would still be corruption, bribery, influence peddling, vote-buying, pardon-selling, federally sanctioned racketeering, and intern abuse. But it all wouldn’t impose on us so much. We wouldn't have to hear about particular escapades, one at a time, ad nauseam. If investigators really had the goods, they could have old-fashioned trials and send the bad guys to prisons with icky bunkmates.

If there were no hearings, we would no longer have to pretend that people like Dan Burton, Bob Barr, Maxine Waters, Joe Biden, and Jesse Helms were sane, credible human beings.

If there were no hearings, Oliver North wouldn't be a talk radio host and a rich guy.

And these just scratch the surface. The more profound benefit is subtle and long-range. Eliminating hearings, after a few generations of elections, would breed a better class of politician. Here's the theory: Any person who is metabolically able to sit through Congressional hearing after Congressional hearing is, by definition, a deviant and unsuited to a place of high public trust.

Think about it. Have you ever wondered why governors always get to be president and senators don't? It's because governors don't have to go to hearings. They are politicians who avoid Congress specifically because they know if they have to go to hearings every day, they'll go postal. They are closer to normal. It's that simple.

It's perfectly obvious, even to me, that this is a hopelessly inside-the-beltway proposal. I am aware that Congressional hearings do not play a significant role in the everyday life of most Americans. Very few Americans are so dorky and pathetic that they have spent much time watching hearings on TV, much less attended them in person. Not that many people have been driven bonkers by listening to 18 different senators ask Alan Greenspan the same question in a two-hour torture session, and hen sitting through the whole nightmare again on the House side the next day. It happens at least four times a year. Trust me.

It wouldn't if the cameras weren't there. Cameras turn "hearings" into "talkings."

Goody-goodies out there will remember that civics textbooks proclaim that 80 percent of the work of Congress is done in the hearing room. I don't buy it. Let committees have meetings like the rest of the world. No cameras or reporters, please.

And, oh yeah, what about Watergate? Didn't Congressional hearings expose the greatest of all scandals? Wasn't that Congress at its best?

Point well taken. So you make an exception and allow hearings only in cases where an outside panel votes to authorize them, a wise, objective, disinterested group -- like the Trustees of the Professional Bowling Association or something.

In our next column, a call for the three-day work week...

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