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Fat Cat Bankers Meet President Obama

This post by Jill Schlesinger originally appeared on CBS'

"I did not run for office to be helping out a bunch of fat cat bankers on Wall Street"

President Obama on CBS News' "60 Minutes"


Fat Cat Wall Street bankers head to the White House for a meeting with President Obama today. Here's what I imagine the conversation will sound like.

President Obama: You guys are killing me. I told you to keep your mouths shut during the regulatory reform debate. Instead you spent hundreds of millions of dollars on lobbyists to fight it.

Fat Cats: We just couldn't stand by and watch the stooges in Congress vote for mortgage cram-downs, which would force us to realize all of those ugly mortgage losses now. Plus, we don't like that your boy Volcker is sounding off about us.

President Obama: Aw come on, I marginalized Volcker early on, so what are you talking about? Anyway, isn't it enough that you're back to making millions of dollars in bonuses again?

Fat Cats: But it' not like the old days - no cash for the Hamptons bargains this year! It's hard to manage cash flow when bonuses are paid in stock.

President Obama: But the stock stuff is only for the top brass. We gave you plenty of latitude with everyone else. The deal was that we would give you some breathing room and you would lend more.

Fat Cats: We're lending to the people who actually might be able to repay us. How can we lend to small businesses and underwater borrowers who got us into this mess?

President Obama: That's funny - I thought that you guys and the recycled government officials who now work for me, enabled the whole thing!

Fat Cats: Is that why you insist on calling us names? You didn't complain when we were underwriting your campaign with all of that housing and credit bubble money, did you? Now you're just hurting our feelings!

President Obama: Oh stop it with your feelings - everyone knows that financiers have no feelings and haven't you heard that I'm cold and aloof? That's how I got Congress to back off from executive comp limits, except when it comes to the complete screw-ups - I mean the firms that needed extraordinary government assistance. Even Citigroup can repay TARP! Would you prefer that we hit you with a windfall tax, like the UK?

Fat Cats: Meow! Don't even mention that by name. OK, we'll shut up, say that we're going to lend more and then you can go back to health care reform.

President Obama: Now that's a good kitty.

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Jill Schlesinger is the Editor-at-Large for CBS Prior to the launch of MoneyWatch, she was the Chief Investment Officer for an independent investment advisory firm. In her infancy, she was an options trader on the Commodities Exchange of New York.