Leadership

Don't Explain: It Makes Things Worse

By Albert Bernstein

Updated on: March 10, 2010 / 3:44 PM EST / MoneyWatch

In touchy situations, people resort to calm, rational explanations, thinking that they are the essence of good communication. All too often, though, this can get them just the opposite of what they want.

Here are a few examples of when explanations backfire and why:

It makes angry people angrier I didn't realize the project was late. There were two different emails about the due date. One said Tuesday and the other said Friday. Besides, I never got any numbers from marketing.

When someone is irritated with you, explaining that the whole thing is a misunderstanding, or worse yet someone else's fault, is guaranteed to turn irritation into anger. People who are already upset don't care about your point of view. They want you to care about theirs. Understanding this is the actual essence of good communication.

In emotional situations, facts don't matter. Explanations are heard as: If you listen closely you will see that I am RIGHT and you are WRONG.
Life offers a cruel choice: you can be right or happy, not both. This is because most people would rather kill you than admit they are wrong.

Instead of arguing about technicalities, or trying to implicate others, ask: What would you like me to do? This will shift the discussion from who is to blame to who needs to do what to solve the problem. In this discussion, it may come out that you have done everything you need to do, and that the guys in marketing are the ones who have to get off their backsides.

Explaining can turn your no into a reluctant yes

When someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do and you say no, the next question will likely be: Why not? If you answer that question, you will discover that the no has been forgotten, and the discussion is now about whether or not your reasons for refusing are valid.

Before you explain why you can't do something, be sure that it is clear you are not going to do it. If the other person persists in asking for reasons, either be vague or ask directly if the intention is to revise your goals and objectives.

Explaining why you need something can prevent you from getting it

Since our daughter was born, we've had to move into a larger flat. Our expenses have gone way up, but my salary is still the same.

Sometimes people are afraid to come out and ask for something because they think it's too forward. Instead they resort to a tactic that is far more objectionable -- they explain why they need something, hoping the other person will take the hint and give it to them without their having to ask.

When you ask someone for something and get it, you incur an obligation to return the favour. If you merely state your need, you are suggesting that it is up to the other person to give you your due, and perhaps that your due is a bit overdue.

Not only is there no obligation to return a favour, there is an implied rebuke for not acting quickly enough.

The lack of obligation and the rebuke are usually not intended, but they will be perceived just the same. Needless to say, this approach does not supply the other person much motivation to help you.

If you want something, the best way to get it is to ask directly.

Next time you are in a tough situation at work and you feel the need to explain yourself, stop and think. There may be a better way.