Dear Reality Check
CBS News Correspondent Eric Engberg provides sage and soothing advice to the political lovelorn.
Barely able to contain our excitement over the arrival of Convention Week, a time certain to generate a thrill a minute, Reality Check felt it wise to clear out the snail mail box so we can face these two historic party gatherings with a nice clean desk.
Our first letter comes from Ms. K.L. Gifford of New York City:
Dear Reality Check:
I seem to have some spare time on my hands and I'm working solo for a change. How do I apply for a gig doing a song and dance number at one of the party conventions? It sounds like good TV exposure. I can also cry should the part require it.
Dear Ms. Gifford:
I am afraid talent and availability are not the determining criteria used by either party in selecting the entertainment for their conventions. They are both sensitive about leaving an appropriate impression with the voters. How should I say this? Do the words "child labor in foreign sweatshops" mean anything to you? Sorry, kiddo, maybe some other time.
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Dear Reality Check:
You may remember the GOP convention of 1996 in San Diego, where I was given a central role in stating the case for the Republican philosophy. My speech to the delegates, in which I brilliantly compared the sport of professional beach volleyball to the advance of Western civilization, was, quite frankly, the highlight of the entire San Diego experience, if not the entire late 20th century epoch. Through what I can only assume was a grotesque error in the party bureaucracy, I have not yet received my invitation to address this year's convention. I suggest you and the other segments of the despicable media conspiracy investigate this matter.
Dear Mr. Speaker:
Your Contract with America, as they say, has expired. Hope you enjoy married life.
Our next letter comes from a "Danny Q.," postmarked from The 19th Hole at Green Deserts Country Club, Phoenix, Arizona.
Dear Reality Check,
I think it's a real gyp that Cheney gets to be veep. A) He got to run the Gulf war and everything. B) He's pretty old and sort of fat and he was never in the Senate or a decent frat anything. C) It's real hard to be the Vice President of the United States and I think little George would have been way smarter to pick the guy who really had he job. So maybe if you agree you could write one of those really mean, sarcastic columns where you make fun of Bush and Cheney.
Dear Danny Q.:
Very funny, Mr. Vice President, glad to see you haven't lost that wacky Hoosier Humor. Best to Marilyn.
P.S. Can you spell, "loser"?
Here's one from a "Dick M." on stationary from The Jefferson Hotel in Washington.
Dear Reality Check,
Got a tip for you that will break this GOP lovefest wide open, I mean wiiiide open. Four words: Top Bush Aide - Hooker! Check it out, man. If you break this during the convention - Ba Boom! Pulitzer City! Emmyville! Check it out.
Dear "Dick M.,"
Go away you sleazy man. In fact, we'll pay YOU to go away.
Our last letter is signed simply "Handsome."
Dear Reality Check:
You are supposed to know how things work inside the government. Has anyone come up with a way around the 22nd Amendment. I need this information before the Democrats meet on Aug. 14.
Dear Handsome:
The 22nd Amendment is pretty straightforward. "No person shall be elected to the office of President more than twice." However, you might find it useful to know that it places no restrictions on a person succeeding to the presidency from the vice-presidency even if he has previously served two terms as president. If a two-term president could convince the party nominee to name him as his running mate then resign immediately after his election....
Well, let's not even waste any time talking about it. It's about as bizarre as a president risking impeachment by involving himself in an office romance. Can't happen.