"Dancing with the Stars" results: Ron Artest fails the test and celebrates
How could it be that Ron Artest, he with the dyed blonde goatee, could become the first goat of the competition, eliminated straight after the jump (Mirror)ball?
Pictures: "Dancing with the Stars" Season 13
Perhaps this was a comment on the fragrant mess that is the NBA lockout, where billionaires and millionaires are dancing on a pile of a few millions here, a few millions there.
The whole point of the results show isn't to discover who will be eliminated. It is to learn things. This has long been established.
We learned that when the judges gave Elisabetta Canalis a trio of 5s, judge Bruno Tonioli muttered: "I'm so sorry, but she was like a lost little girl."
We learned that Kim Kardashian, after seeing her splendidly nondescript brother Rob dance like a scarecrow with arthritis, said to her sisters: "I'm like gonna cry."
You will be forgiven if you're like gonna feel unwell at the knowledge that this was followed by her sister Khloe shouting to Tonioli: "You've got to clean your ears out. I felt all the music."
This effluent retort was offered to Tonioli's criticism that Rob Kardashian was entirely devoid of musicality - as some might say, the whole Kardashian clan is devoid of any other talent than being a Kard-cash-ian.
Because nonsense has such power in our world, the producers maintained the nonsense of declaring certain couples were "in jeopardy." This did not mean they were in the bottom three, merely that they would be used to create the drama when the bottom one was announced.
But we learned more. We learned that David Arquette believes that he and Ron Artest are very similar. We learned that Ron Artest believes that all the cast members are hot. Who does he think he is? Dennis Rodman?
We also learned that Rob Kardashian believes that Chynna Phillips is "an attractive older woman". So on meeting her, he was desperate to have his "A-game." This might be what many would refer to as their "Y-Game".
Harry Connick Jr. made his compulsory appearance, singing about clear days. His hair was perfectly disheveled. His favorite is J.R. Martinez. But he confessed to feeling the "Chaz vibe."
How can anyone not feel the Chaz vibe? This man is possessed of an understated cool that most men would die for. He doesn't gush. He doesn't offer spurious emoting. He just does and is.
When he was informed he would be back to fight (and educate) another day, Bono had none of the swagger of U2's lead singer. He was pleased. He was modest. He was intimate. Many a man - and many a woman - could learn from his style.
And so it came to the supposed bottom three. Which, remember, was the bottom one, plus two others added for alleged drama. Rob Kardashian was there, but was soon declared safe, no doubt blown to safety on the winds of his sisters' encouragement.
So we were left with Ron Artest aka Metta World Peace and Nancy Grace - a coupling that no one ever thought they'd see in contemporary theater. Peace and Grace were left to the wolves to fight each other for survival. Did the viewers give Peace a chance? Or would this be a fall for Grace?
When the laconic's laconic, Tom Bergeron, announced the winner, the Artist Formerly Known as Artest paused for a moment and then considered what a true nutty eccentric should do.
He raised his arms in triumph.
"All I wanna know is who's comin' with me? Who's comin' with me," declared Metta World Peace.
I'm not sure where he wanted everyone to go, but I'm sure it would have been a lovely party with pygmies in lame bell-bottoms and fairies waving wands of sugar. Yes, it would be like an episode of "Top Chef: Just Desserts".
Some will feel aggrieved that World Peace's departure would also mean the departure of rookie professional Peta Murgatroyd, who, to esthetes, bears more than a passing resemblance to the Australian love-child of Pamela Anderson.
So Peace was lost. Next week, war will re-commence. Can it get any more exciting than this? Yes, it can. Our biggest test is still to come.
