"Dancing with the Stars": Kirstie Alley gets instant karma
(CBS) Two chances to impress. Two chances to make a mess. And one chance to create a dance in just a few minutes. That was last night's "Dancing with the Stars."
The couples knew the style of the instant dance they would have to prepare, but wouldn't know the music until after their first dance. Who would enjoy instant karma? And who would dance like instant refried beans?
Pictures: "Dancing with the Stars" Season 12
First it was Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas, whose waltz, Ballas said, was a celebration of their close relationship. I know that one or two people would have been worried for his alleged paramour, "American Idol" castoff Pia Toscano.
Again, Kane and Ballas wanted to be contemporary. They wanted to be different. Kane, barefoot, kept up with every one of Ballas' moves. Again, they were in a different realm from the other couples.
Hines Ward's partner, Kym Johnson, told him he was going to propose to her. This was more than the LAPD had done to Ward last week.
Their foxtrot began with Ward trotting over to Johnson with the ring. The dance was smooth, innocent and full of spring energy. Johnson ended on Ward's knee. When they had finished, host Tom Bergeron wondered about the pre-nup. Inaba and Tonioli wondered whether Ward was Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly. Goodman mentioned that Ward's feet weren't quite perfect. He was strangely right.
Romeo was asked to tango. The lights were low. Which might have been a very clever way of masking the fact that Romeo, dressed all in black, doesn't describe completely perfect lines.
His partner, Chelsie Hightower, in dramatic red, moved with exaggerated power and brought eyes towards her every move. But then Inaba spoiled the whole evening, perhaps the whole series. She uttered the phrase less immortalized and more buried on "American Idol." Yes, she said that Romeo was "In it to win it."
While the judges were largely complimentary to Romeo, Ralph Macchio is largely falling to bits. The pain in the back of his knee was excruciating in rehearsal. He went to the doctor. He has a Baker's cyst rupture. It hurt. It really hurt.
"We're screwed," said partner Karina Smirnoff, as she revealed they'd only had 9 hours of rehearsal time instead of the usual 40.
Theirs was a Viennese Waltz with drama and meaning. Macchio, as always, succeeds in playing a character - this time the absent, drunken dad of a Twilight character. Still, there were a few gaps. Goodman said it lacked polish. Tonioli said: "Credit to you." Inaba again teared up. She felt sorry for him. "Maybe everyone's going to vote for you from home," she hoped, before offering a sympathetic 8.
And what of Kirstie Alley, her Ukrainian partner and her Argentine tango?
This is very technical," said her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy in rehearsal. "Move your ass. And by your ass, I mean your feet."
Alley kept falling over. She admitted she hadn't eaten much. When Chemerkovskiy lifted her from the ground at the opening of their dance, you could see that he meant business. In fact, he kept on lifting her.
Alley, meanwhile, draped herself over him, as if this was a precursor to who would be the dominant partner back in the bedroom when the show was over.
"Sensual, sultry, a hint of aggression," said Tonioli. "Your footwork was brilliant. Your body's shrinking, your talent is huge." Inaba welled up again. She felt she had seen real life unfolding before her. As opposed to reality television.
"I'm surprised Maks only took his hat off," said Goodman of the dance's heat.
Then it was time for the Instant Dances.
For Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas, it was instant salsa. Which no Latino would recommend for dinner. Dressed for the beach, their dance was full of bottom-wobbling, bottom-slapping energy. They overcame a cue that jumped in at the wrong place. Goodman described it as hot. Tonioli was enthralled. Inaba, however, who was in a slightly schizoid mood all night, decided that they weren't connected to the music.
Hines Ward and Kym Johnson's improvisation was another performance in which they used energy to try and hide any missteps. Ward looked like he was desperately trying to keep up throughout the dance, as if his face was willing his legs to move a little faster, faster.
"It was like watching Mr. Happy Feet," said Tonioli. He also said it was like watching a penguin.
Inaba, naturally, disagreed entirely. She said Ward was totally relaxed. Which Inaba wasn't all night.
Romeo was ready to salsa. He promised "Romeo spice." Largely, he managed that, with both he and Hightower sliding on the floor to dramatic effect. Romeo still doesn't extend his arms as he should, but he proved to have plenty of energy and didn't seem at all distracted by music he had discovered only minutes earlier.
"That felt like we were at a club," said Inaba. She liked it? No, she thought it was "a bit off."
Goodman chose to disagree. Even though, he said, there was a tiny incident "no bigger than a gnat's cuticle."
Tonioli mourned the lack of a fluidity of movement. Romeo's dancing, though, is often characterized by that lack of fluidity. Had Tonioli only just noticed?
Would Ralph Macchio be able to offer any fluidity at all, given his lack of fluidity of the knee?
He was supposed to dance the cha-cha, but he hadn't been able to rehearse at all. He had only cha-chaed in a team dance, so he didn't have much to lean on. At the beginning of their instant effort, one wondered whether Macchio would be rooted to the steps, while partner Karina Smirnoff simply danced around him.
Goodman showed him no mercy. Tonioli lamented the lack of hip action. Inaba bawled for at least 10 minutes. Not really. But she surely could have.
After the dance, Macchio limped up the stairs. Would he get the sympathy vote from the old ladies at home?
Finally, we were down the instantaneous Kirstie Alley. Hers was also the salsa. Alley described the prospect as a "bloody nightmare." "You have the biggest hips in the show," said Chmerkovskiy. "Use it."
This was shortly before storming out of rehearsal with a Ukrainian pout.
In the real, instant thing, Alley tried to get her hips to co-operate. She had surely eaten a few more calories to get through this. However, a couple of times, Chmerkovskiy had to push her in the right direction.
"You smooth, flirtatious vixen", said Tonioli. Just when you thought the praise would be total, he added: "But you lost sync three or four times." Alley offered a rude word in response. Unfortunately, this was bleeped out and we didn't get a close-up for lip readers.
Inaba, naturally, disagreed with Tonioli.
Goodman found it "oily." This was, apparently, a good thing.
So voters will have to decide between their feelings of sympathy and their love for a particular character. Therefore, I fear for the best dancer in the competition. Chelsea Kane is, you see, arguably the least famous. Together with Romeo. But, more dangerously, she is a girl. And old ladies don't often vote for young girls.
TOP DANCE: Chelsea Kane
BOTTOM DANCE: Ralph Macchio (Heartless, I know.)
