"Dancing with the Stars": Chelsea Kane wiggles as Kirstie Alley struggles
Such vast nonsenses get spoken, with very straight faces, before reality show finals. Still, the ladies of a certain age who vote at home might not watch the Super Bowl, so this is the knitting needle Super Bowl. And, just like the original, it lasts three hours, with last night being merely the first third.
Pictures: "Dancing with the Stars" Season 12
Timeline: Past "DWTS" competitors and champions
First to dance was Chelsea Kane, with her samba. Judge Carrie Ann Inaba wanted her to be less perky. And more, um, sexually alluring. Kane doesn't have that much in the way of hips, so she has to wear her trousers very low in order to make the eyes believe those hips exist. In this samba, she wiggled her small bones to very large effect.
She seemed so confident that she was desperate for the judges to love it. Judge Len Goodman expressed liking (in his own way). Judge Bruno Tonioli stood up for his comments. That's all you need to know.
"You got down, you got dirty," said Inaba, with sisterly affection. Inaba was so impressed with her own dirtiness lessons that she gave it a 10.
Tonioli tried to help Kirstie Alley. In truth, she does need help in the technical department. Unfortunately, it didn't seem that Tonioli helped her all that much. Alley doesn't finish her arm movements and, even though her legs can step to the double, she tends to look at the floor in order to make sure her feet do what they're told.
Inaba thought she oozed. Goodman thought he was natural. Tonioli was frustrated.
Hines Ward had the privilege of having Goodman tell him where to put his toes. He also managed to have his deltoids felt by the wily old judge's firm fingers.
Ward had to dance the quickstep. The Steeler is a deceptive dancer. He exudes such a charming personality that you don't always see that he isn't a terribly perfect performer. Indeed, at one point during his quickstep, Ward looked down for fear of running into a step and tripped. However, he generally moved with such cheery abandon that the Terrible Towels emerged in the hands of the audience.
"It makes me forget that I'm supposed to be judging," said Inaba.
"It's not quite there yet," said Goodman.
Two judges with a bizarre attack of honesty. Why would they do that? Oh, right, it's the Finals.
Then it was time for the dancers' attack of honesty: the freestyle. Kane's partner, Mark Ballas, wanted them to be fresh and edgy. You know, younger than the other couples. Think about it - their combined ages are still less than Alley's.
They rode in on a bike. They offered Latino beats. They threw in lifts that Alley would only attempt in a life beyond Scientology, and a level of energy that a case of Red Bulls couldn't generate.
Kane is without question the best dancer in the competition. Would the judges acknowledge it?
Strangely, they did. Goodman said he knows people think he's a fuddy-duddy, but he found this dance anything other than duddy.
"It was like you were plugged into the national grid," said Tonioli.
Inaba made like Tonioli, stood up and waggled her hips. Did they get three 10s? Do bears break into cars to get picnic baskets?
Alley's freestyle began sensually, with a daring, split-legged lift. Then the energy increased. Alley attempted a cartwheel. She attempted to show that 60-year-olds can get it on down without getting it on down to ER.
"Ten weeks ago I would never have thought of you even attempting lifts," said Tonioli, before admitting that some of the lifts could have been smoother.
"The new poster child for life as it should be lived when you get to 60 years old," said Inaba.
All this praise didn't mean they got any 10s. The ballroom booed its displeasure. But Alley simply isn't in Kane's class as a dancer, just as Kane could never be in Alley's class in the ribald jokes department.
Ward and Kym Johnson promised something that's never been done before. Oh, no. Not a Super Bowl halftime show. Yes, and it was referred to by Johnson as "the halftime act."
This was frightfully clever. In the first part, Ward didn't have to dance at all. He simply marched and lifted Johnson. Once he had removed his sleeves, he wobbled his hips a little, but this was largely the Emperor's New Halftime Act.
Inaba, who has seemed to be enamored with Ward for quite some weeks - 13, in fact - naturally loved it.
Tonioli called it "a crowd-pleasing event." So much so that three 10s were paddled by the judges.
Tuesday night the couples have one last dance. At the end of last night's performances, Ward and Kane were tied, with Alley some way back. Will the viewers' votes pour in for older lady? Will you have the energy to watch "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars" on the same night?
These are severe existential questions, ones that can only be answered at the highest levels of reality television.
TOP DANCER: Chelsea Kane
BOTTOM DANCER: Kirstie Alley
